Here’s what the crystal ball is telling me about the rest of the year.

1. JCP will bring in the recently ousted LULU Chief Product Officer Sheree Waterson. Previously lacking a woman’s touch, JCP will start to attract younger ladies offering Forever 21 and H&M style clothes, with a LULU-esque athletic line. The same will go toward their home wares division, with college girls outfitting their dorm and sorority rooms with said products.
2. AAPL will start closing stores, and move from innovative devices, to creating more innovative software. They will still build devices that everyone likes, but they don’t have Steve anymore, and innovative software allows them to change the user experiences of interacting with their devices. I could go on about this all day, but if you don’t get it, any explaining won’t help.
3. iRadio will launch, and be one of the best/smartest things AAPL has ever done. P will be kicked down a mountain, and bought by YHOO. It will then barely hold onto life, as Midwestern housewives listen to Michaal Buble while they play online slot machines.
4. CCL will be bought by Sir Richard Branson, and he will turn it into the best cruise line in the world. Only after it is knocked down to trading on the pinks.
5. All the “Green Guilt” (Rhino Trademark) yuppies will turn in their Priuses and Lexus Hybrids for ‘Merican made TSLAs. Elon Musk will give everyone the finger, with a silly accent.
6. OCZ will fire for Chapter “oh shit, we’re screwed,” and a large portion of their management will come begging me for a job, to which I will say: “I guess you guys should sell your Porsches and Maseratis, oh wait, they’re leased.”
7. The people will have their champion, and I will remain on the front page, graduating from JV to Varsity, fighting to keep my spot on the roster.
8. The foundation of my empire shall be laid.

2013, THE YEAR OF THE RHINO

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