A Word on Bachelor Parties and Cheaters (Unrelated)


I don’t even understand the concept of a bachelor party, especially in this day and age. I have 7 weddings to go to/be in between May and October. The majority of my friends who are getting married, are being cool about it. On the other hand, I got an email this morning saying that the bachelor party for one of the weddings was going to be in Italy. I frankly don’t even know why this guy invited me to the wedding, and why to the bachelor party, but I’m sure I could come up with a reason or two.

After saying how his parents bought him tickets, and paid for his hotel rooms…

“Guys, the tickets for the flights are only $1400 round trip right now, and the hotel/transportation is only $1200..”

Are you kidding me? You want me to spend almost $3000 to go to Italy and get drunk, with a bunch of people I don’t like? Firstly, If I was going to go to Italy, it would not be with this guy, and secondly, it would not be to get drunk, it would be to see the Colosseum, the Vatican, etc. Pure insanity. I don’t pull punches, so I replied:

“I’m allergic to pasta. You guys enjoy. Ciao Bella!”

Besides the fact that they make their “friends” spend a lot of money, that they– more often than not –do not have, guilt them into going, and expect them to drop what they are doing and treat them like a god, what is this idiocy for? It’s supposed to celebrate your last night of being single, yet almost all of my friends who are getting married have been living with their significant other for years. When the lady and I get married, nothing will change, except a title, and the number of rings she wears on her finger.

Then you have the single pigs, who are trying to get the groom to act like a frat boy animal, and the married guys who just want to go home.  Their behavior is egregious, why exactly do you want your friend to get so inebriated that he throws up all over himself? Don’t even get me started on the women, as a bouncer I always bachelorette duty. Possibly because everyone else thought it was so funny how disgusted I would get.

These women would act like absolutely egregious whores, trying to get the bride-to-be to put foreign objects– belonging to strange men–in her mouth, and the list goes on. If this is how you are celebrating before your marriage, then you are not fit to be married. Conversely, you should want to make it fun for people to come, not a burden driven by guilt.

Yesterday my friend texted me that his bachelor party would now be threes days– Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday –with his wedding on Friday. It’s a four hour drive, and I don’t have a week to throw away. Trying to negotiate with him, he said

“you work from home so don’t tell me you can’t just drop stuff and come up here” (he doesn’t use punctuation or caps)

To which I replied “I, in fact, cannot, so I’ll just see you at the wedding then.”

“youre a fucking asshole”

I was going to send him a pic of my balls, but he would probably enjoy it too much. I blocked his number , and right now he gets a seven day sentence, if he has good behavior.

And everyone wonders why marriage has become such a joke…

I was already becoming unhinged by this, but then my friend– that was my battle buddy and roommate forever in the Army and is now in LRSD National Guard –called me and told me that he had been given an F in a course at his MBA school in PA, because so much of the class cheated. The ring leader asked him to cheat too, but he refused– of course –and apparently there was not enough evidence to punish the ring leader alone, so everyone was failed.

He’s taking it up with the school, but at this point, he cannot advance to the next course in the series without passing this one first. I’ve never cheated, I’d much rather fail than cheat. I also value honor and integrity, which are dying principles. We are so focused on results these days, that people actually work hard trying to cheat, but don’t just want to put the hard work in to succeed the honest way. How did it come to this? Here’s the progression.

  1. Little Jon cheats on his math test in 5th grade, by looking at another student’s paper. He has to get an A so his dad will take him to the Yankees’ game.
  2. Little Jon cheats on his AP math exams in middle school, so he can get into that prestigious private high school.
  3. Little Jon cheats all the way through high school, as much as he can, at this point it is just the way he does things. What’s studying?
  4. Little Jon gets into that college his dad wanted him to, and gets a brand new M3 as a graduation gift. He goes off to college, founds a club,– by using unethical procedures –gets the internship he always wanted, and is offered a permanent position.
  5. Little Jon finds actually having to work not suited to his liking, so he decides to get his MBA, on his company’s dime. Back in school, he convinces others to cheat, causing a veteran paratrooper with a Bronze Star with V, who is Ranger qualified, a jump master (Senior Parachutist wings), graduated at the top of his class at Pathfinder and Sniper, and is one of the nicest, most loyal people I have ever met, to fail, and be held back a semester.
  6. Little Jon, back at work, shares insider info back and forth with the contacts he made at school. He is promoted past his peers, who are trying to go the good ol’ hard work route.
  7. Little Jon takes his popularity and uses it to propel him into public office, gaining more and more followers, and making more and more bullshit promises.
  8. Little Jon starts his own fund, with plenty of people ready to throw capital his way. Not actually knowing the difference between hard work and his ass, he loses most of his clients’ money, then uses the remainder to cover up the bankruptcy. When he goes before the senate to be asked what happened to the client money that was, in fact, used to pay off the bankruptcy, he lies, because that’s all he knows. He is set free, and back at it.

And everyone wonders why the market and the economy are so rigged…



19 Responses to “A Word on Bachelor Parties and Cheaters (Unrelated)”

  1. “I’ve never cheated, I’d much rather fail than cheat.

    You and me both. Too few of us, too few. It’s sad. Feeling out of place in this day and age. Belong in some other time, I sometimes think.

  2. The Eye-Talian Stallion

    Here’s some old school.
    I take my Dad to the store, he gets what he wants, we leave. Half way home he says “Stop, go back, the checker gave me .19 too much in change.” No use in talking him out of it so I drove him back and he gave the perplexed girl the .19.
    YES, 19 CENTS. Would Obama do that?

  3. When the lady and I get married, nothing will change, except a title, and the number of rings she wears on her finger.

    Says the guy who has never been married. My God you are in for a shock.

  4. ^^ With Po Pimp

  5. so rhino, when can I expect to see an invite for the bachelor party?

  6. I hate bachelor parties, and have never heard a positive story that made me wish I was there.

    Back in 1991 (I was 20) my brother-in-law to be asked me to come to his bachelor party. As it turns out, not as a friend, but to operate the video camera. Keep in mind, this shit was a large VHS & rented from the local Video store. Bottom line – the night was lame, and ended with the smallest, drunkest guy being tackled and having his pants jerked down with someone trying to stuff a tomato up his ass because they saw it happen in Long Beach and thought it was really funny…..smh.

    My ONLY other experience was at age 27. The owner of the gym wanted me to be a designated driver for his brothers bachelor party. I didn’t know the brother or any of his hillbilly friends. They rented a Ford Econoline, and I was the bus driver for the night.

    After crashing several backyard parties and visiting some incredibly low brow strip clubs, we landed at a titty bar named “10’s”…lol! Low and behold, one of the dancers was a girl from the gym!!! She was frantic, and called me off to the side of the stage. She made some excuses for her line of work and asked me not to tell ANYONE at the gym that she was a dancer and where she worked. I’m a nice person, and felt sympathetic to her situation and said “sure”.

    Immediately upon arriving home, I blabbed the entire story to Auntie Buccs, thinking she would love the juicy gossip. Wrong. Auntie became infuriated with me. I was scolded for “agreeing to keep another woman’s secret” and given the ‘silent treatment’, followed by a few days of the ‘cold treatment’…lol! I was bummed and confused!!

    I guess all I have to say is bachelor parties suck, and leave me out of them.

  7. My bachelor party (if you want to call it that) was awesome.

    Bunch of friends camping, drinking, fishing and river rafting for three days. Some people stayed the whole time, others drove in for a day, or an afternoon, or whenever.

    But I would hesitate to actually call it much of a bachelor party.

  8. Sir Robert Hooke

    I have 2 destination weddings im obligated to go to.

    2 days ago i got a message telling me the Bloomingdales gift registery is open!

    WTF!!! Now i understand back in 1873 when couples got married when they were like 18 years old and didnt have anything like usual house hold goods like plates and pots and shit. But really these people are mid 30’s, earn good money and already live together in a wonderful home. So they aint getting shit. They should be happy im bothering to pitch up at all. F*ck i hate weddings.

    • Sir Robert Hooke

      And i refuse to go to the bachelor parties for both of them even though im a groomsman in one of them and the other is my sisters wedding.

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