Pardon my being a day late to report this, but our Supreme Leader, The One who forced the malignant auto-industry to chase him into the electric car race, The One who wants to save Spaceship Earth from the corrosive grip of Big Oil, The One who’s hashing out plans to abort Earth and save humanity just in case it is too late to save our blue marble, yes Elon (All Praise and Glory to The Leader) flipped the switch and activated the GIGAFACTORY Wednesday.
Jubilee rang out in the streets as the townsfolk held an impromptu Triumph for earth’s living deity, as what will soon be the world’s biggest factory began cranking out batteries filled with sweet-sweet lithium ions.
Hidden in the scrubland east of Reno, Nev., where cowboys gamble and wild horses still roam—a diamond-shaped factory of outlandish proportions is emerging from the sweat and promises of Tesla CEO Elon Musk. It’s known as the Gigafactory, and today its first battery cells are rolling off production lines to power the company’s energy storage products and, before long, the Model 3 electric car.
The start of mass production is a huge milestone in Tesla’s quest to electrify transportation, and it brings to America a manufacturing industry—battery cells—that’s long been dominated by China, Japan, and South Korea. More than 2,900 people are already working at the 4.9 million square-foot facility, and another 4,000 jobs (including temporary construction work) will be added this year through the partnership between Tesla and Panasonic.
By 2018, the Gigafactory, which is less than a third complete, will double the world’s production capacity for lithium-ion batteries and employ 6,500 full-time Reno-based workers, according to a new hiring forecast from Tesla.
Henceforth, the calendars will now read 1 A.G.F. as humanity leaves the dark time before the Great Gigafactory, son of Elon (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) was born.
The project is moving ahead at a brisk pace and promises jobs for the good lizard folk of Nevada, who will clock into the Gigafactory 6 days a week and lead the charge to save us all, one liberating battery at a time.
Said batteries will be the fuel for Tesla to achieve the greatest feat in industrial history—delivering 500,000 Model 3 sales by 2018—a milestone claimed impossible by the angry old men of the car industry, the worst cabal since pre-World War I imperial Europe.
However, what seems impossible for the common man is obtainable by the all-powerful Elon (all Praise and Glory to The Leader) for he has proven himself capable of creating greatness. He has also aligned himself with the upcoming executive branch, ensuring little friction from the Feds, an important alliance for a modern Leader to make if he intends to succeed in today’s cold, corrupt world.
The Gigafactory is live gentlemen, and shares of Tesla are responding in kind, trading above $220 after being sub-200 before the Christians and pagans celebrated their Xmas holiday.
With the advent of a factory producing batteries cheaper than anyone else in the world, the future looks bright for the scientists and engineers at Tesla Motors. Soon humankind will have an energy-independence choice and self-driving cars, a prophecy laughed at by staunch deniers.
ONWARD TESLA SOLDIERS, MARCHING ON TO WAR, WITH THE GIGAFACTORY, GOING ONLINE BEFORE!
Writer’s note: I am long of $TSLA shares, in USD terms, and will continue to be long $TSLA shares, accumulating more after Q1 earnings, and again and more until I have thousands of shares to bestow to my kin.