HUGE

A shot was fired across the bow of every…you know what, I’m not going to poke the bears as they’re already illiquid. A shot was fired across the bow of every underinvested money manager who continues to underperform the S&P 500. You know who you are, calling yourself a professional, what with the fees and the boats and the cocaine buffets. I hope you’re checking in on a low powered Internet connection, high on “the piff” considering your options. Let me lay a few out:

Buy index futures very quickly on Sunday
Come to work Monday and buy Goldman Sachs
Quit and scrape together money to obtain a cabbie license
Dust off that resume and work you fickle Ivy League networks (read fellatio)
Go home and play with your kids, they won’t judge you

Ah ok I’m done. What a comeback today, the type you can only see orchestrated by the greatest powers in finance, true architects. The truth is, I don’t manage money for others…just the scraps I’ve worked tirelessly to gather, living for years like a hobo. I’ve always hated being wrong. But I temper that hatred, and stop being wrong when biting the proverbial bullet is the only way out. If these charts play out how they’re 75% likely to, you need to stop being wrong and ratchet up your longs, friend.

In doing so, your orders will propel my existing positions higher, appreciating my capital while I drink Bush Light and skip stones in paradise. For you see, I gathered your jetsam for two weeks. The bow of my boat could barely crest the rough waves, but safe harbor is in sight. Soon I’ll own the entire port.

All I did today, aside for living the dream, is buy more GS shares. There’s a saying, “When in doubt, buy Goldman.” I did exactly that. Have a great weekend.