I turn dials and fiddle with knobs to hone in on harmonic rotations
Joined Oct 26, 2011
3,725 Blog Posts

Major Tom’s Bearish Stance on YELP

Sometimes a long month-end Friday amidst a market riddled with tomfoolery leads the mind to dark, murderous thoughts. I thought it fun to share my most recent thoughts with you, the curious-internet-view-count statistic perusing the iBC blogger network, on populace control and decedent executions.

Executions are already expensive, what with all the laws and justice, sure. But let’s consider a method with dashing style and a spirited display of retro technology. My friends, are you familiar with Jacques Cousteau’s faithful Calypso ship and its underwater sea lab? It was really something, and often times his esteemed colleagues would spend weeks underwater researching turtles and shit. Have a look:

Even after a normal dive, it’s imperative one does not hop in an airplane as the nitrogen built up in the blood stream will not escape and a bad case of the bends will occur. This risk is magnified significantly after a week in an underwater habitat.

On to execution:

Many a market wizard wise enough to short YELP into lockup received the market’s form of my newest and most brash concoction. You mount an underwater launch vessel to Jacques Cousteau’s sea lab, capable of launching prisoners into low earth orbit. BENDS 2.0 bitches! No space helmet will be provided, of course. That way, if the BENDS doesn’t burst their organs, they’ll be freeze dried in space.

Regarding civil control:

ALL THIS, will be live streamed in NYC’s Time Square, to teach obedience. Financing for this project will come from Senior Tropicana, one of the world’s largest private space financiers.

It has been a long day, with many hours of robot over lording to go. I bid you farewell, unless you’re on my fucking death row.

(No brazen bull)

going hard tonight

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