Home / Humor (page 12)


Roseanne Barr Files Documents to Become President of the United States of America

Roseanne Barr
 — who famously butchered the National Anthem — has filed official documents to become the Green Party’s nominee for President of the United States ofAmerica.

Barr — who has been waging a Twitter and Facebook grassroots, digital campaign — has just made it official.  She wants to carry the Green Party banner in the November election.

Barr says she’s sick of Democrats and Republicans, whom she believes are not working in the best interests of the American people.

So what, you ask, is Roseanne pushing?  The answer is simple … pot.  She wants marijuana legalized and sold strictly domestically.

As for the whole Iraq thing … she’ll get back to us.

via TMZ.com

Comments »

Brian Williams’ Coffee Has Poop in It: A Guide to Manhattan’s Filthiest Starbuckses

The New York City Health Department recently inspected 30 Rock’s Starbucks and discovered it to be teeming with “live mice.” Consequently, the Starbucks serving the stars of NBC received a ‘C.’ Which other Manhattan Starbucks stores are among the impressively filthy elite?

Answer: The Starbucks stores serving Zucotti Park, Park Avenue, and Penn Station. All four currently have either a “C” or “Grade Pending,” the latter of which is code for “crappy grade, but they’re trying to shape up and/or are contesting it at a Health Tribunal.” The only rating worse than “C” and “Grade Pending” is “Closed.”

Here are the filthiest Starbuckses’ report cards, with notes:

Read the rest here.

Comments »

The Super Bowl Prop Bettor’s Guide

via  Cousin Sal’s Gambling Blog on Grantland.com 




I can’t believe it’s already here. Super Bowl XXCLVICXIILCMCMC. (I did the Roman math — it works out). Either way — I’m prepared. I’ve read up on every degenerate gambler’s wagering option connected to this game. If Congress spent half as much time reading President Obama’s health care plan as I did peering over the Super Bowl proposition menu the country would be a better place.

I know betting on the big game can be a terrifying prospect. Eight months is a long time until your next pigskin wager so you absolutely must get it right. But we’ve been betting on NFL props all year long. We’re good at this — remember? How good? I’m only down 287,000 jermajesties* on the season. You don’t get more expert than that.

Here are a few can’t-lose Super Bowl props and a bunch that aren’t but should be.

The Patriots will convert a 4th down attempt (+120) 
Is this a proptical illusion? Seems too easy. Two weeks ago, Belichick employed an inexplicably ridiculous, conservative offensive game plan against the Ravens and the Patriots still managed a 4th down conversion. And if you think I have a problem wagering on old men in striped outfits measuring chain lengths wait until you see the next bet …100,000 jermajesties

Henry Hynoski over 4.5 receiving/rushing yards (EVEN)
Here it is — my Gary Russell Memorial Super Bowl prop bet of the year. (have a listen to my appearance on this week’s BS Report to get the full Gary Russell history).

I know what you’re thinking — EVERYONE’s going to take this one. It’s too obvious. Oh — that’s not what you’re thinking? Rest easy. I’ve researched this one a ton. Hynoski totaled a whopping 20 yards vs. the 49ers in the NFC title game. He’s surpassed five yards in seven games this year. Expect lots of points and lots of weird plays this Sunday. Sorry Gronkowski/Gostkowski — there’s a new Polish proposition sheriff in town — and his name is Henry Hynoski. Take the over. 150,000 jermajesties

Welker over 78.5 yards receiving (-115) and over 6.5 receptions (-115)
The Giants fantastic front four gives them the luxury of never having to blitz. That means they’ll be able to keep a few linebackers back in coverage to disrupt the Pats mutant beasts lining up at tight end. I think the confusion over the middle will force Brady to throw to his sure-handed go to route in Welker. Not to mention Welker racked up 136 yards against the Giants earlier in the year and that was before he grew the aerodynamically-enhancing mustache. 40,000 jermajesties each

First TD scored: Welker (8/1) and Manningham (12/1)
See Welker reasons above. These Manningham odds are high especially considering the man who will be responsible for covering him strongly resembles a guy who plays wide receiver for the Patriots. 10,000 jermajesties each

Total points 61-65 (7/1), 66-70 (9/1), 71-75 (12/1), 76-80 (15/1), 81+ (6/1)
All of a sudden, I’ve turned into the worst roulette player. Hear me out. Five out of the last 20 Super Bowls fell in this range. In that time half the games played in domes ended up at least in the mid 50s. That means these odds are too high. Worth a shot. 3,000 jermajesties each

Giants total points (+1/2) over Knicks 1st quarter points vs. Nets (-115) 
Simple logic — the Knicks don’t get credit for points when an inbounded pass sticks to a forward’s head — the Giants do. 15,000 jermajesties

Don’t look for these. You won’t find them anywhere …

NE defensive tackle Vince Wilfork’s halftime bowel movement over/under 16.5 pounds?

That’s disgusting. I’m going over. And I don’t want to hear how I’m better than this. I’m not.

137,000/1 odds any valet would be excited to take Matthew Broderick’s Honda CRV for a joyride as they are in this Super Bowl commercial

Anyone else glad the Super Bowl ads are leaked online a week before the game so that we can go to the bathroom during commercial breaks? Anyone? Anyone?

12/1 odds Kelly Clarkson and Madonna will make out at halftime
Not likely.

38/1 Odds Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth will make out at halftime 
Even less likely.

2/1 odds Betty White will make out with and Seal at halftime. 
This is a slam dunk. But not with the recently separated singer — an actual seal. That chick loves animals.

What shade of red will Tom Coughlin’s Rosacea-cursed face be at the end of the game? 
Scarlet and crimson are sucker bets. I’m going with vermillion at 11/1.

65/1 odds Kelly Clarkson gets a last minute Chili’s endorsement deal and during the national anthem replaces the phrase “home of the brave” with “home of the awesome blossom”?
I know. That was a long way to go for a blooming onion joke. Bear with me — this is almost over.

Who will NBC show first in the owner’s box: The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo (Rooney Mara, daughter of Giants VP Chris Mara) or an actual girl with an actual dragon tattoo — Rob Gronkowski’s porn star girlfriend?
If the peacock network has any kind of sense of humor they’ll shoot for the latter.

Even odds that for the ninth year in a row Danica Patrick will get cut-off unzipping a leather jumpsuit in a godaddy.com ad. 
I joke but the truth is to this day she’s still one of the sexiest female dwarf drivers NASCAR has to offer.

Over 35.5 players from both teams are forced to share the same two prostitutes in Indianapolis. 
This is cruel and not at all fair to the players. Like the Brady children having to share the same bathroom as Alice the maid. Barbaric!

1/3 odds that Madonna gets replaced by Kellie Pickler after failing the HGH test. 
Hold on. I have a few of these.

Number of game balls made from Madonna’s skin — over/under 8
Almost there.

Which will be higher: Victor Cruz receiving yards or number of visible veins in Madonna’s arms?
Okay — that’s enough. Wait — one more.

Over/under 2.5 friends of yours that will out themselves at your Super Bowl party by knowing all the lyrics to Madonna’s La Isla Bonita

If by any chance you dreamt of San Pedro last night — please keep it to yourself. Or at least save it for a Glee re-run.

5/2 odds Eli Manning’s wife Abby leaps from her luxury box seat to her death after NBC shows a side by side photo of her and Gisele Bundchen.
Hold on — I’m looking at a picture of Abby now. She’s actually pretty cute. Let’s make it 7/2 odds.

Even odds that NBC shoe horns in Whitney Cummings’ irreverent female take on football.
Hey NBC — you already spared us Fear Factor‘s donkey semen stunt. Please do us all a favor and give us a pass on this one as well.

Which will be higher: television shots of Peyton Manning or television shots of Peyton Manning doing shots?

I know — it’s a thinker.

3/1 odds that at next year’s Media Day I will be asking white players who their favorite black person is much like I did last night on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Sorry, black folks — white people are dumb.

That’s that. Enjoy the game. And regardless of how much real money I’ve cost you this year with my fake advice — let’s really try to stay friends this year.

— Cousin Sal

*(Obligatory weekly explanation: A “jermajesty” represents the fake name given for a dollar amount. It is also the unfortunate name of one of Jermaine Jackson’s sons.)

Comments »



A poker player helped rent a billboard, a Mormon spreads the word at root beer socials and prostitutes at a famous brothel turn tricks and donate their customers’ tips — all for Ron Paul.

The 76-year-old, 12-term Texas Republican congressman is banking on a big showing at the Feb. 4 Nevada caucuses to boost his third presidential primary bid. His message of personal liberty, states’ rights and low taxes resonates with voters in the state, where prostitution is legal, gambling is widespread and the foreclosure rate has been the highest in the nation for five years, according to RealtyTrac.

“Go to the Romney campaign and ask ‘How many of your lives have been changed by the philosophy of Mitt Romney?’” Julie Benincasa, 52, of Las Vegas said in an interview as she volunteered in Paul’s Henderson, Nevada, campaign office this week. “People will go, ‘what?’”

“My entire life — just about every spare moment, in one way or another — is promoting Ron Paul’s message of liberty, limited government and sound money,” she said, adding that she sold $1,600 worth of jewelry to donate to the campaign.

Benincasa’s commitment to Paul is matched by a legion of followers who see it as their duty to spread the word, including Arin Hopkins, 46, a dog sitter in a gated community in Henderson who pays for pro-Paul brochures and delivers them door-to-door and Pete Claytor, 49, a Las Vegas electrical union member who converted five of the six Democrats at his job site.

Gambler’s Billboard

Robert Fellner, 27, a professional poker player and blogger, donated $1,000 of the $3,500 cost of putting a billboard up in downtown Las Vegas, raising the rest of the cost on his website. The billboard touts Paul as the only candidate to predict the economic collapse.

Those avid supporters may give Paul an advantage in such caucus states as Nevada and Maine on Feb. 4 and Colorado and Minnesotaon Feb. 7, where casting a vote takes more of a time commitment than showing up at a precinct and casting a ballot.

On Jan. 31, as the Florida results were being counted, Paul flew into Nevada and kicked off a state tour with a rally at a Henderson casino that drew more than a 1,000 — a number far exceeding Newt Gingrich’s 200-person reception in Orlando that evening.

‘Irate, Tireless Minority’

“We will spend our time in the caucus states because if you have an irate, tireless minority you do very well in the caucus states,” said Paul, who finished fourth in Florida’s primary with 7 percent. “If you have an energized group of people that are working on a campaign and actually believe in something, it is going to work in the caucus states.”

In the Jan. 3 Iowa caucuses, Paul placed third with 21 percent of the vote. Romney and former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum had 24.5 percent and 24.6 percent, respectively, in the contest, while Gingrich had 13 percent.

In Nevada, Paul’s staffers have been on the ground for more than six months, Carl Bunce, the state campaign chairman, said at the Jan. 31 rally. They have been educating voters both on the candidate and on the caucus process, holding “scores” of training events all over the state, said James Barcia, deputy national press secretary.

Paul is the only candidate with a presence on college campuses here, said David Damore, associate professor of political science atUniversity of Nevada, Las Vegas. The only campaign with a stronger ground operation in the state is Romney’s, Damore and other observers said.

Tea Party Outsourcing

“The Paul folks are well-organized, the Romney folks are well-organized and Gingrich is outsourcing to the Tea Party,” Damore said.

In 2008, Romney won the Nevada caucuses with 51 percent support compared to Paul’s 14 percent. In the four years since then, both candidates have maintained their support bases in the state. Romney has spent more money. As of Jan. 31, he had bought almost twice as much in broadcast television commercials in the state than Paul, according New York-based Kantar Media’s CMAG, a company that tracks advertising. The other Republican contenders hadn’t spent anything on commercials.

Nevada Lieutenant Governor Brian Krolicki, co-chairman of the Romney campaign in the state, said he’s confident his candidate will win, although he wouldn’t rule out Paul’s campaign machine.

“A caucus can always be full of surprises,” he said in a media call on Jan. 31.

Appealing to Mormons

One way Paul is targeting Romney is by going after his rival’s base: members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter- Day Saints, who four years ago comprised about 25 percent of Nevada’s Republican caucus-goers. A campaign subgroup called Latter Day Saints for Ron Paul is seeking to convince Mormons that the congressman — and not LDS member Romney — best represents their views about the U.S. Constitution.

“Although the country might be ready for a Mormon president, we provide them with the notion that, in terms of constitutionality, that we have the better candidate,” Barcia said in a Jan. 30 interview at the Henderson campaign office.

David IsBell, 29, from Las Vegas, said he saw a sign on an overpass in Salt Lake City in 2007 that said “Google Ron Paul.” He did. IsBell had been a Mormon missionary in Eastern Europe when the U.S. invaded Iraq. The move turned him away from President George W. Bush and other Republicans. Paul’s opposition to the war got his attention.

“He was the first politician who gave me goose bumps when he talked,” IsBell said in a telephone interview. “The way Ron Paul speaks is parallel to the way our prophet Ezra Taft Benson spoke about our faith,” he said referring to the former president of the Mormon church, who served from 1985 to 1994.

Root Beer Floats

IsBell said he spreads that message at root beer float socials, game nights and other events wearing a Ron Paul t- shirt. He shares quotes from Benson, and then Paul.

“Mormons are reliable voters — they turn out,” said Robert Uithoven, a Republican consultant with j3 Strategies in Reno. Still, Uithoven, who has ties to Las Vegas Sands Corp. (LVS)chairman and Gingrich supporter Sheldon Adelson, puts most Mormons in Romney’s camp. While Nevada’s libertarian streak is good for Paul, those same Mormon voters were targeted by his campaign in 2008, Uithoven said.

“He has a base of support that tends not to grow very much,” Uithoven said.

Paul’s strategy isn’t limited to Mormons. He has rolled out special coalitions of gun owners, home-schoolers, veterans, Hispanics and hospitality workers, too.

The most unlikely coalition of supporters, though, is the one the candidate didn’t recruit.

Moonlite BunnyRanch

At the Moonlite BunnyRanch, a legal brothel near Carson City featured in HBO’s “Cathouse” series, the most scantily- clad caucus of all was held two weeks ago.

Dennis Hof, 65, the proprietor and self-described “pimpmaster general” of the BunnyRanch and five other Nevada brothels, said he polled all 500 women to see who they supported for the presidency. Last time, they cast their support behind Barack Obama. This cycle their opposition to the roundups of wild horses on federal land near the brothel moved them to Paul.

He said they like Gingrich — they “don’t have a problem with him being a womanizer” — but they think Romney is too square. Paul’s support for states’ rights won them over, he said.

At the BunnyRanch, customers who say they are “Pimpin’ for Paul” get extra attention, Hof said, and some of the women ask clients for Paul donations. Many, like Hustler centerfold Cami Parker, 25, also donate tips.

“I really appreciate the fact that Ron Paul respects states’ rights and individual rights,” Parker said in a telephone interview. “It seems like he really understands our rights to do what we want.”

Comments »

Not Only Is A. Weiner a Dick, He is also Stupid

Ex-Rep. Anthony Weiner Spent +$13,000 To Send Private Investigators On Twitter Fool’s Errand

BY Celeste Katz

Disgraced ex-Congressman Anthony Weiner used campaign money to hire private investigators to chase down his lie about his now-notorious crotch-shot tweet.

Our Alison Gendar reports:

Weiner paid T&M, a Manhattan-based firm, $13,290 for “legal services” in the fourth quarter of 2011, financial statements filed Tuesday with the Federal Election Commission reveal.

Sources told the Daily News, however, that Weiner hired T&M — a firm loaded with former NYPD sleuths — when he was in full spin mode over the controversy that eventually led to his resignation from the House.

When the story first broke, Weiner’s line was that someone had hacked into his Twitter account and sent the pic of bulging boxer-briefs to a Washington State college student.

“We’ve asked a firm to look into whether some of my photos could have been taken; they could have been manipulated,” Weiner said at the time.

Two sources familiar with Weiner’s downfall said the Queens pol told investigators the same story. T&M investigated — and learned Weiner had sent them on a fool’s errand.

“They did their job, and then it was time to sit down with lawyers,” another source said. “Self-denial, it dies a slow death.”

Weiner eventually admitted he had sent the lewd picture. After the T & M investigation ended, Weiner continued to use the firm for security, paying them more than $43,000 in the last six months of 2011, though he resigned in June.


Comments »

NFL: Kim Kardashian Wants Some “Tebow Time” & Gets Rejected!

In a development lending sudden credence to theories that our world will end in 2012, Tim Tebow is being hunted by a Kardashian sister.

“Kim (Kardashian) has a big crush on Tim,” a friend told The National Enquirer. “She says he’s not only very handsome but seems like a guy with really strong values.”

“Tim’s been made aware of Kim’s crush, and although flattered, he’s not interested,” a source told The Enquirer. “He’s an avowed virgin who’s saving himself for marriage and is looking for a woman with similar values, not someone with two failed marriages and a sex tape in her past.”

So, with one swift hammer drop, the TimKim era is in the books.


Comments »


By Ted Rall

Tax Fairness Won’t Reduce Inequality

Reacting to and attempting to co-opt the Occupy Wall Street movement, President Obama used his 2012 State of the Union address to discuss what he now calls “the defining issue of our time”–the growing gap between rich and poor.

“We can either settle for a country where a shrinking number of people do really well, while a growing number of Americans barely get by,” Obama said. “Or we can restore an economy where everyone gets a fair shot, everyone does their fair share, and everyone plays by the same set of rules.”

No doubt, the long-term trend toward income inequality is a major flaw of the capitalist system. From 1980 to 2005 more than 80 percent in the gain in Americans’ incomes went to the top one percent. This staggering disparity between the haves and have-nots has created a permanent underclass of underemployed, undereducated and alienated people who often turn to crime for survival and social status. Aggregation of wealth into fewer hands has shrunk the size of the U.S. market for consumer goods, prolonging and deepening the depression.

How can we make the system fairer?

Liberals are calling for a more progressive income tax: i.e., raise taxes on the rich. Obama says he’d like to slap a minimum federal income tax of 30 percent on individuals earning more than $1 million a year.

Soaking the rich would obviously be fair. GOP frontrunner/corporate layoff sleazebag Mitt Romney earned $59,500 a day in 2010–and paid half the effective tax rate (13.9 percent) than of a family of four earning $59,500 a year.

Fair, sure. But would it work? Would increasing taxes on the wealthy do much to close the gap between rich and poor–to level the economic playing field?

Probably not.

From FDR through Jimmy Carter it was an article of faith among liberals that higher taxes on the rich would result in lower taxes on the poor and working class. This was because the Republican Party consistently pushed for a balanced budget. Tax income was tied to expenditures, which were more or less fixed–and thus a zero-sum game.

That period from 1933 to 1980 was also the era of the New Deal, Fair Deal and Great Society social and anti-poverty programs, such as Social Security, the G.I. Bill, college grants and welfare. These government handouts helped mitigate hard times, gave life-changing educational opportunities that allowed class mobility, closing the gap between despair and hope for tens of millions of Americans. As the list of social programs grew, so did the tax rate–mostly on the rich. The practical effect was to redistribute income from top to bottom.

Democrats think it still works that way. It doesn’t.

The political landscape has shifted dramatically under Reagan, Clinton and the two Bushes. Budget cuts slashed spending on student financial aid, food stamps, Medicaid, school lunch programs, veterans hospitals, aid to single mothers. The social safety net is shredded. Most federal tax dollars flow directly into the Pentagon and defense contractors such as Halliburton.

As the economy continues to tank, there’s only category to cut: social programs. “Eugene Steuerle worked on tax and budget issues in the Reagan Treasury Department and is now with the Urban Institute,” NPR reported a year ago. “He says one reason no one talks about preserving the social safety net today is that lawmakers have given themselves little choice but to cut it. They’ve taken taxes and entitlements, such as Social Security and Medicare, off the budget-cutting table, so there’s not much left.”

Meanwhile, effective tax rates on the wealthy have been greatly reduced. Which isn’t fair–but not in the way you might think.

Taxes on middle-class families are at their lowest level in 50 years, according to the Center on Budget and Policy Priorities, a liberal thinktank.

What’s going on?

On the revenue side of the budget equation, the poor and middle-class have received tiny tax cuts. The rich and super rich have gotten huge tax cuts. Everyone is paying less.

On the expense side, social programs have been pretty much destroyed. If you grow up poor there’s no way to attend college without going into debt. If you lose your job you’ll get 99 weeks of tiny, taxable (thanks to Reagan) unemployment checks before burning through your savings and winding up on the street.

Military spending, on the other hand, has soared, accounting for 54 percent of federal spending.

In short, we’re running up massive deficits in order to finance wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, and so on, and so rich job-killers can pay the lowest tax rates in the developed world.

I’m all for higher taxes on the rich. I’m for abolishing the right to be wealthy.

But liberals who think progressive taxation will mitigate or reverse income inequality are trapped in the 1960s, fighting the last (budget) war in a reality that no longer exists. The U.S. government’s top priority is invading Muslim countries and bombing their citizens. Without big social programs, invading Muslim countries and bombing their citizens is exactly where every extra taxdollar collected from the likes of Mitt Romney would go.

The only way progressive taxation can address income inequality is if higher taxes on the rich are coupled with an array of new anti-poverty and other social programs designed to put money and new job skills directly into the pockets of the 99 percent of Americans who have seen no improvement in their lives since 1980.

You have to rebuild the safety net. Otherwise higher taxes will swirl down the Pentagon’s $800 toilets.

If you’re serious about inequality, income redistribution through the tax system is only a start. Whether through stronger unions or worker advocacy through federal agencies, government must require higher minimum wages. Maximum wages, too. A nation that allows its richest citizen to earn ten times more than its poorest would still be horribly unfair–yet it would be a big improvement over today. Shipping jobs overseas must be banned. Most free trade agreements should be torn up. Companies must no longer be allowed to layoff employees before eliminating salaries and benefits for their top-paid managers–CEOs, etc.

And a layoff should mean just that–a layoff. First fired should be first rehired–at equal or greater pay–if and when business improves.

Once a battery of spending programs targeted to the 99 percent is in place–permanent unemployment benefits, subsidized public housing, full college grants, etc.–the tax code ought to be radically revamped. For example, nothing gives the lie to the myth of America as a land of equal opportunity than inheritance. Aristocratic societies pass wealth and status from generation to generation. In a democracy, no one has the right to be born into wealth.

Because everyone deserves an equal chance, the national inheritance tax should be 100 percent. While we’re at it, why should people who inherited wealth but have low incomes get off scot-free? Slap the bastards with a European-style tax on wealth as well as the appearance of wealth.

Now you’re probably laughing. Even Obama’s lame call for taxing the rich–so the U.S. can buy more drone planes–stands no chance of passing the Republican Congress. They’re empty words meant for election-year consumption. Taking income inequality seriously? That’s so off the table it isn’t even funny.

Which is why we shouldn’t be looking to corporate machine politicians like Obama for answers.


Comments »

Park Avenue Millionaire Dies And Leaves $1.5 Million To His Door Man And Chauffeur

A millionaire Park Avenue music mogul, lonely after his wife dumped him, repaid two faithful workers who gave him a shoulder to cry on — by making them rich after his death.

“I don’t know what to do exactly with the money, but one thing I know for sure — every year, I’m going to bring the guy some flowers at his grave,’’ said suddenly rich chauffeur Jean Laborde, who received $1 million, or 10 percent, from boss Alan Meltzer’s $10 million estate.

Comments »

LULU: Pants So Tight They Make You Kill Your Co-Worker

ROCKVILLE, Md. (AP) — A woman convicted of killing her co-worker at an upscale yoga clothing shop in the Washington suburbs, then spinning an elaborate lie about being attacked by two masked men, was ordered Friday to spend the rest of her life behind bars.

Brittany Norwood tearfully apologized to the family of her victim in her first public statements since her arrest in March. A jury two months ago convicted Norwood of first-degree murder for bludgeoning and stabbing 30-year-old Jayna Murray, a co-worker at the Lululemon Athletica shop in Bethesda. Murray had more than 330 distinct wounds on her body, and investigators believe she was alive for the duration of the attack.

Read the rest here.

Comments »