$TAP $STZ NO ONE WANTS SHITTY FUCKING BEER ANYMORE . . .

. . . they just want less shitty beer, and the perception that they are swilling “premium” product. Because let me tell you something, Blue Motherfucking Moon is god damned disgusting beer, yet it attracts “connoisseurs” of all shapes, colors and sizes. Crispin is also a vile substance, but seems to entrance dilettantes far and wide. And for fucks sake don’t get me started on Leffe. I’d rather drink my own piss. For that shit is unequivocally putrid whilst passed off as “premium”. The knaves heading these “brewers” should be taken out to the woodshed. Speaking of which, who gives a fuck if SAB MILLER and AB INBEV merge. Let’s be real. The argument that these mega-mergers are throttling competition is inane (not really). In fact, let them all merge. Let there be a monopoly in purveying “premium piss” — may you enjoy your “premium piss” out of a german dirnking horn!

Tenth and Blake. Chirst almighty. This is the “premium” shit from our friends at Molson Coors. That is, less shitty than shit but still shit.

Tenth and Blake Beer Company (“Tenth and Blake”), MillerCoors’ also sells Batch 19, Blue Moon brands, Coors Banquet, Coors Non-Alcoholic, Grolsch, Hamm’s, Henry Weinhard’s brands, Icehouse, Keystone, Leinenkugel’s brands, Mickey’s, Miller Fortune, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller High Life, Milwaukee’s Best, Olde English 800, Peroni Nastro Azzurro, Pilsner Urquell, Sharp’s non-alcoholic, Smith & Forge, St. Stefanus, Steel Reserve, Third Shift, Worthington’s and hard cider brands from the Crispin Cider Company.

Just a quick perusal of Molson Coors’s 10K will left me throuroughly disgusted with the state of the state. Reflect upon the following – Molson Coors: 1) distributes Sol, Dos Equis, Sol, Tecate, Amstel Light, Heineken, Murphy’s, Newcastle Brown Ale and Strongbow (all Heineken) and MGD (SAB Miller) in Canada; 2) contracts Asahi and Asahi Super Dry in the US; 3) brews, packages and ships PBR through 2020; 4) brews, packages and ship Labatt’s.

My point here is: these motherfuckers are in bed with each other in every corner of this here bogus blue dot called earth. Peddling urine of every shade, sometimes, fermented with apples (hot trend). If you reside in a country outside of the US, then you will gladly pay a 20% premium over shitty beer, for the perceived pleasure of drinking less shitty beer. Go fucking figure – this “pricing power” gets management all hot and sweaty. And don’t forget Afrique! The Frontierland for Pringles and Piss!

What a clownshow. It’s no wonder small crafter brewers are taking share, only to sell out and have their wares “pissified” by the big boys. According to the Brewers Association, craft beer rose from 3.8 percent of the market in 2007 to 11 percent in 2014 and is expected to reach 20 percent by 2020. Bart Watson, chief economist for the Brewers Association, estimates that on average two new breweries open every day in the U.S. Will conglomerates ever realize that they are merely spinning their wheels, buying out “artisan” brands, adulterating qualtity, losing a fan base, and sloughing off brands that “aren’t working anymore” — for fucks sake! This is the chakra of capitalism I suppose, but it annoys me so, as one is resigned to the “Heineken Lounge” in Dubai Airport. A fucking Heinekien Lounge. Yes, in the land of jewel encrusted butt-holes, the best beer you’ll find at the airport is an ice col’ heiny.

Meanwhile, hippie hop-growers are concerned of short supply. Per Watson, “The current growth trends in the craft beer market – more brewers, more market share, and more hoppy beers – have led some in the industry to worry about the hop supply in the future. Even with thousands of new acres going in and the now widespread usage of hop contracts by craft brewers, there is a fear that growing demand will outstrip supply, particularly in the markets for niche varieties (craft brewers are using dozens of them). Based on the size of the domestic crop in 2014, usage of American hops is northward of 70 million pounds at the moment. If we assume a linear increase to 2020, that’s 504 million pounds of hops from 2015 through 2020.”

Do not mistake my rant for shorting the sector. The craft phenomenon is simply another version of ultimate “line extension” and these buggers will surely buyout every last “less shitty” piss purveyor from here to Tuscaloosa (Brooklyn Brewery, Coronado Brewing, Troegs, SixPoints, VonTrapp) and surely they will tinker with the concoctions to make them less shitty than shit but shittier than less shitty. Follow me?

Your best bet in this idiotic space is to brew some shit (better than shitty) in your garage and put a for sale sign up.

PS: If you are interested in drinking proper beer listen here for a few suggestions: Maine Beer Company – Peeper Ale and Mo Pale Ale, Evil Twin Geyser Gose, Off Color Brewing Scurry, Firestone Opal, Lagunitas Hop Stoopid, BFM Root 225, Cuvée Des Jacobins Rouge – Brouwerij Bockor N.V., and any other West Flanders shit you can get your hands on. Lambic is where it’s at homies.

PPS: If you do decide to home-brew, forget about packaging in aluminum cans. More on this later.

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