iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
18,678 Blog Posts

Biblical Happenings at House Fly Portends a Surreal Win is Just Around the Bend

My house is still being swarmed by bees. The fuckers have made a nest in the door outside and are finding their way into the laundry room and wreaking motherfucking havoc. I’ve been in the room slapping the shit out of them with a swatter, daring them to sting me. With the other hand, I’ve been vacuuming them into my handheld, laughing the entire fucking time.

Also, my piece of shit Kenmore washer machine broke, just in time to find out my warranty just expired. Every year a major appliance breaks — because they suck and they’re made in dog-eating motherfucking China.

I have three options with the machine.

1. Attempt to fix it myself, which will undoubtedly end in disaster. I am a useless wrench in the house.
2. Call a repairFAG to the house to rip me off for $300.
3. Buy a new piece of shit washer machine for $1,000.

Finally, something is dead in the woods adjacent to my house — maybe a deer, maybe a human. The grass is tall and the wildlife is wild, so I haven’t the inclination to find out what’s going on. All I know is the outdoors are uninhabitable near my house, as the stench of rotting flesh perfumes the sky with its rancid motherfucking decay.

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8 comments

  1. acehood

    Try to buy Miele appliances whenever possible.

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  2. firehorsecaper

    “Tradesmen” indeed. Planned obsolescence, flat rate visit charge, extended warranty shenanigans. Makes 2&20 seem like a lubricant brand.

    Your coyote is likely getting “insurance” protein ready for the coldest winter, soon upon us.

    $NBEV glad you are back in the warm water. Brent Willis, CEO is no ski bum, former CEO $COT he was Chief Commercial Officer and Board Member at AB InBev (pre $BUD) and ran Latam for $KO as President North Latin America. If he can’t get a deal done, there is no deal to be had. Long $NBEV.

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  3. jonnybegood2

    well that was a thoroughly depressing read. i think i’ll read some edgar allen poe before i retire to cheer me up.

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  4. chuck bennett

    Sounds like zombies are close by

    Regards

    Chuck Bennett

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  5. numbersgame

    Wow, biblical happenings indeed.

    1) Bees: Is the bee nest really INSIDE the door? Seal that thing with duct tape, expanding foam insualtion, whatever it takes so that they STAY in the door and can’t get out
    2) Broken washer: It’s almost undoubtedly a broken belt, burned-out motor, (both unlikely in that timeframe) or a busted circuit board (maybe a bee got in and short-circuited it). Even if you are a “useless wrench,” the odds are that you just need a screwdriver and eBay to get repalcement parts. Unless it is one of those front-opening washers and its leaking..
    3) Dead thing: Option 1: let that coyote you own earn it’s keep and hunt down that smell. Option 2: call the cops and let them figure it out.

    Good luck.

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  6. duuude

    Hairspray. Lighter. Problems solved.

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  7. cayman4444

    Is the value in NBEV the Bob Marley family partnership? Is it an exclusive?

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