Morning Poppers (No Govt Edition)

Don’t worry, I’m not going to start ranting about how wonderful it’d be to have the government shut down permanently. There’s only so far a glib joke can go and I know we need those absolute shitheads for a number of reasons. However, it would be nice to see this shut down last a bit longer — just to see all of them sweat. Right now they think it’s cute in a ‘ha, ha, we shall stick it to the Donald’ sort of way. But they haven’t though it all the way through, considering the fact that the Donald truly doesn’t give a shit and is only in it for the ratings. Next thing you know, people in wheeled chairs are being kicked down sewer pipes, summarily eaten by alligators and the lights in DC turn off during the State of the Union, whilst Trump continues his wonderful speech with a singular candle lit underneath this chin — scaring the fuck out of America — causing scores of old fuckers into cardiac arrest heading straight for the mortuary.

Dow futures are down 70 and markets look just fine — like they’re gonna kick some people in the balls type of fine. Bitcoin is at $11,200 and struggling to stay above water. It won’t be long now until we see the complete and total annihilation of the dick HODLer’s en masse.

Here’s some other news to start off your meaningless days.

Juniper Networks upgraded to Outperform from Perform at Oppenheimer
Freeport-McMoRan downgraded to Neutral from Outperformer at CIBC
Esperion Therapeutics downgraded to Neutral from Buy at Citigroup
Apple downgraded to Neutral from Overweight at Atlantic Equities
Juno Therapeutics to be acquired by Celgene (CELG) for $87/share in cash, or approximately $9 bln
ServiceNow target raised to $160 at Mizuho
Lennar upgraded to Outperform from Neutral at Credit Suisse