Election night commentary is mostly about pundits and anchors stating that the election results confirm some belief that said pundit or anchor already held (see the Dougherty Doctrine for an example). Given that most non-FOX television types are liberal, and that Republicans — especially conservative Republicans — will likely have a very good night, this will be a difficult feat tomorrow. As a result, we expect the liberal talking heads to resort to a few predictable — but silly — talking points.
What better foundation for a drinking game?
Below are the liberal platitudes to explain away the election, followed by a brief explanation of why they’re so silly. Any time you hear one of these platitudes, take a drink. (But if you’re watching MSNBC, we recommend cutting the portions in half — and still telling your boss you won’t be in before lunch on Wednesday).
RULES: Take a drink every time you hear an anchor, pundit, or other TV talking head…
- Say “Anti-incumbent.” No, this isn’t an anti-incumbent year. The only Republican Senator even remotely close to losing her seat Tuesday is Lisa Murkowski, a write-in candidate who lost her primary for being too liberal. Somewhere from zero to three House Republicans will lose, and those include Hawaii and New Orleans. There might be one or two Republican governors fall, but in all likelihood, this an anti-Democrat year.
Suggested drink: A Hurricane or a Mai Tai, local drinks of New Orleans and Hawaii, respectively — the only districts where GOP congressmen (Joe Cao and Charles Djou) are likely to fall. - Say “temper-tantrum.” Recall this Peter Jennings gem from 1994: “Some thoughts on those angry voters. Ask parents of any two-year-old and they can tell you about those temper tantrums: the stomping feet, the rolling eyes, the screaming. It’s clear that the anger controls the child and not the other way around. It’s the job of the parent to teach the child to control the anger and channel it in a positive way. Imagine a nation full of uncontrolled two-year-old rage. The voters had a temper tantrum last week….Parenting and governing don’t have to be dirty words: the nation can’t be run by an angry two-year-old.”
Suggested drink: A Jello Shot. Two-year-olds love jello. - Say “blind rage” Remember, rebuking Bush and throwing out Republicans was about finding our better angels. Rebuking Obama and throwing out Democrats is about blind range.
Suggested drink: Irish Whiskey - Blame Obama for not “getting his message out” Both sides do this: if my side is losing, it must be only because we didn’t communicate our ideas and plans well enough — it can’t be because people didn’t like what we were doing! With Obama, it’s even more absurd. The man, famous for his eloquence, was constantly campaigning.
Suggested drink: spiked Slurpee - Chalk it up to voter racism: Americans figured out a black guy was running the country, and they freaked out, deciding to “take back America” for the white guys.
Suggested drink: White Russian. - Mention that one guy who owns a McDonalds who (possibly inappropriately) told his employees to vote Republican. Because we’re sure that tipped the balance of the election.
Suggested drink: Spiked (flavorless) milkshake - Say “secret money” Because it doesn’t matter that Democrats outraised Republicans from the most politically active industries in America, including Wall Street. It doesn’t matter that K Street favored Dems 2-to-1 with campaign contributions. The public-employee unions don’t count as a special interest. It’s just that secret Republican money that’s insidious.
Suggested drink: Rum-and-Koch - Drink for every block in which Christine O’Donnell is the most-mentioned candidate. Talking about Christine O’Donnell is very important therapy for liberals. First, it allows them to feel smarter than conservatives — O’Donnell says a lot of silly things, and is a conservative woman, both of which make her a prime target of smug liberal mockery. Also, this is a rare open seat Democrats will win. Combine those two points, and it gives liberal anchors a chance to say their favorite line: Republicans need to be moderate to win.
Suggested drink: Witch’s Wit ale.
If you’ve got other suggestions for predictable election night spin from liberals, add them in the comments. In any event, stay hydrated and don’t drive home.
By: Timothy P. Carney
Senior Examiner Columnist
Read more at the Washington Examiner: http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/blogs/beltway-confidential/The-Washington-Examiner–106442923.html#ixzz149ss9RCC
OH OH…you have to include MY favorite Political Drinking Game….Grab a Beer …and take a drink everytime the word “Folks” are used…it’s as good as the Fword used by Dexter’s sister on Dexter…another fav game.
Best drinking game of all time!
I’ll be wasted by Greta….
I’m down. Straight vodka for me, though.
I’d like to say a quick prayer.
Our overlords, who art in government, wreched be thy name,
judgment day hath come, for voters to say your done…Their will shall be done,
as congress as it is in senete.
Give us our daily oil, and forgive us as we trespass to get it,
as we forgive those that tresspass in retaliation on 9/11 for being on their holy land to do so,
and lead us not into the temptation to crush them with a single nuke,
and deliver us from bondage from oil and banks and the industrial military complex,
May the americas and the leaders and the world shall be made pure now and forever, amen.
I’m off to the polls, and then it will be Rum and Koch (Diet Koch, of course) for me!
How about every time they say “voter turnout is higher than expected (in whatever state) you chug a beer from that state or the losest state possible. If it’s lower than expected, you take a shot without a chase as punishment for not getting out the vote.
(use limits or that could end up fatal depending on how often you change channels and hear them repeat themselves on the same story…)
Or everytime you see any person on the media go without blinking for longer than 5 seconds, take a captain morgan to spice things up… (also could be fatal with the media’s “zombie eyes”)
Everytime you hear things get loud and you hear the word “game changer” “upset” or “unexpected” or something along those lines, drink a 12 ounce glass of water… it is politics afterall, you can’t let yourself get too excited and you’ll need to sober up a little bit if you’re having too good of time.
love it!
Here’s one that is not limited to the political scene but to anyone who is trying to get his/her point across. Any time a talking head starts their sentence with “Look” or “Listen”, drink a shot. This will drive you nuts and get you drunk quicker than Obama can tell you to get to the back of the bus.
I’m glad you said FOX Television and not news. At least your aware of that.
The three muskrateers should not give up the day jobs.
Just watched some tool on Matthews’ program reference the “negative insider atmosphere.” I started off with a coffee spiked with Irish Cream instead. Got a long night ahead of us…
I bought an “Indeud” Tshirt yesterday and paid $150,000.00!
Today I see they are on special at $25.00!
I guess the price of cotton is the blame, but no problem, since
I’ve banked some extra coin through the PPT.
Keep the difference and maybe think of throwing your sweat shop slaves a bone!
Could MSNBC have found an older, more senile, out of touch conservative to represent the right spectrum? I mean, who’s in charge of screening on this show? The guy looks like he’s half way to alzheimer’s.
“…predictable American division of power…the American public has to have someone to blame…Obama is being blamed, not sure it’s his fault…” -Chris Matthews
Drink, bitches.
(laughter) “It is a historical inevitability that the Democrats lose seats…”
Remarkable use of grammar there.
Is there a conservative on MSNBC? They’re rambling on about “communications wars.” Fucking liberal science majors, everything is a God damned perception issue to them.
Damn, you’re gonna get drunk as shit watching MSNBC. Switch over to Faux News. You’ll last another hour or so longer!
But of course! They live in a totally self absorbed world where there are no absolutes, no foundations under anything in life. Therefore perception and feeling good at the moment is the only thing that matters.
gosh, it’s early and i’m shit faced drunk already
Ronald Reagan- A Time For Choosing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qXBswFfh6AY&feature=player_embedded
I wonder if you realize that had we been in a republican majority and if democrats were winning today, fox networks would be using the exact same phrases that you are arranging the drinking game on.
Unlikely. These phrases are ideological. Fox would have its own breed of them but they would be different.
The rally for sanity might have enough attendees tonight to fill half a stadium. Democrats are broken in spirit in two years, as much as Republicans were in the last six of President Bush’s administration. A vast overestimation of support, I think.