You know what pisses me off more than traffic? SENSELESS FUCKING TRAFFIC! You know what I mean? One stupid bitch on her phone leaving the green light super late, dominoes into the car 3 behind her trying to pull out in rage, and gets in an accident. So there I am trying to get some shit done and I am sitting in traffic for no fucking reason. Well as I rolled on for 2 more blocks smoking my calf on my clutch pedal, I pull up to a light. I look over to my right, and there’s this old white bum taking a shit in the gutter, ON 19th FUCKING AVENUE! Fuck. The cops are only one block up, and he is taking a shit in broad daylight. Not only that, but all the “rubbernecking fucks” were going by slow as fuck.
You remember that dumb ass cellphone law that was enacted last year? Yeah, nobody gives a fuck. My Camaro is low and light as fuck, so I regularly almost get smashed by small Asian women in large luxury SUV’s, or bathsalt intoxicated tour-bus drivers. So on my way home from my destination, this stupid blonde bitch in a new Mercedes ML fucking huge SUV on her physics be damned PHONE just wafted over into my lane. there are 3 lanes where there should be 2! literally cars park half up on the curb. I AM SERIOUS, Google it. I honk and give her the finger. She gives me the fucking finger back and gets back in her lane. About 2 blocks later as we are rolling away from a red light she starts drifting over again, FUCK, so I jam the gas and hop forward, then I shift to 5th ready to cruise, out of the corner of my left eye, here the fuck she comes. I slam on the brake, hitting the ABS, bumping to a stop and sliding into a random driveway to not get hit. FUCK. That was gnarly, I’ve dodged too many IED’s and RPG’s for that shit. I pulled back out, drove through the park then turned and pulled over on Fulton. I had to get out and kick it for a second before I had an aneurysm.
Okay, fuck, let’s get home. I stop at Safeway, parking in the back in order to not have to deal with the idiots pulling an Austin Powers in the main lot. While inside, this hairy Persian looking asshole bumps into me, “Watch were the fuck you are going,” him “Or what,” as I go into a fighting stance, “Or I’m gonna knock you the fuck out,” “Is that right?” “Yeah motherfucker, RIGHT FUCKING HERE!” I stepped toward him, “Oh really, (shaky voice leaning away) then you are going to jail,” “you’re a fucking a grade pussy bitch.” This dude was like 6’8-6’9″ but probably at least 40lbs less than me. I wanted to hit him really bad. I sometimes day dream of caving peoples faces in for being lazy inconsiderate assholes, but then I remember the last guy I connected with in a real “street fight,” and that is exactly what happened. I don’t like being angry, @TheDrBigBoss will attest to the fact that trouble just finds me.
As I come outside with my groceries, I see this black crackhead looking fuck leaning on my freshly washed black Camaro, “hey get the fuck off my car!,” “oh, oh, yeah, yeah, man this is a nice car! You trying to sell it?,” “No absolutely not, thanks.,” “Can I take it for a ride?,” “FUCK NO, get the fuck out of here, (aggressive gesture toward him).” Then I had to park far as fuck away. At least the Giants shut the fucking Cards out and hit a Grand Slam. Fuck ZNGA. Goodnight.