The Important Matter Of Dining Out

The Fly and I got into a conversation last night about dining out at restaurants. I forget how the whole conversation stated, but it ended with Fly and CA never wanting to eat out again.

Through college, while studying Finance, RC held a part time job at a restaurant. During this time period, a period I wish to never relive, I got to witness what really goes on behind the scenes at local eateries. Have you ever watched the movie Waiting? If you have, that stuff really happens at restaurants, and if you haven’t, please don’t waste your time.

The conversation almost felt like an interview. Fly would ask, what to eat? what not to eat? questions like that. This brought us to rule #1: Never order the special of the day. This is the restaurants way of getting rid of inventory that is fixing to expire, if not already expired. I remember managers telling us to push the fish because it was out of date– and food cost was too high. The management staff would setup a contest to see who could sell the most specials, ie. out of date food. Offer free beer at then end of the shift along with other egregious prizes. Do yourself a favor and pass on the special of the day.

Fly also inquired about his kid’s food, what should they order? He asked if chicken fingers were okay, and my response was, “not the chicken fingers!” You see, the kids chicken fingers would come 3 to an order, if one was missing, they had to act fast in order to complete the order for the crying kid. I’ve witnessed a waitress take an old chicken finger, from a plate that was headed to the trash, and add it to the new order just to rush the food out– because the table was complaining about wait times. Rule #2: Don’t rush your order.

Back to chicken fingers and chicken in general. Chicken fingers have to be the most touched food item on any menu. The chefs would grab the fingers from under the heat lamp– which were probably sitting there for hours– and throw them on a plate, then the expeditor, the person who makes sure the food leaves presentable, would touch the food some more making sure it looked the way it does in the picture. I know what your saying, but don’t they wear gloves? Sure they do, but they wear the same gloves for hours all while cleaning throughout the shift, sneezing, and sometimes digging in the trash– we may get to that subject in a minute.

Oh, and the Chicken, you know they chicken breast that you probably had tonight, well that shit was probably put in the microwave. Chicken takes the longest to cook, and has to be cooked throughout, so if a table has already been sitting there 45 minutes, well, “Mic that shit!” they would say. Once they take it out the microwave and slap it on a plate, now the plate is full of juice the microwave just took out, and they have to clean the plate to make it look presentable. So they take their expo rag, sorry towel, you’re not allowed to say rag, and would wipe the plate, with the dirtiest towel known to man, to make the outside of the plate looked crystal clean, all while spreading germs throughout your plate. I could go on and on, but why bother. Rule #3: Don’t order the chicken.

Fly then proceeded to ask, “well, what about beverages? I ordered juice for my kids is that OK?” “Ha!”, i said. Next time you tell them you only want juice if is in an unopened can. You see, the bartender stores juice in containers called storm pours, allowing easy and fast pouring for mix drinks. Well, some of that juice sits there if not ordered often, and chances are, you are drinking out of date juice that has been unrefrigerated for a few hours on a busy shift– not to mention the fruit flies that fly around the bar hanging out on the pour spouts, just stay away from juice in general.

Fly then said, “what about my mix drinks? I noticed the glass for my crown and coke (or whatever he said he was drinking) was a little dirty and sent it back.” I then said, “let me let you in on a little secret, glasses from the bar are cleaned at the bar.” The sinks you see at the bar are filled with some of the dirtiest water even $RINO wouldn’t stand a chance. Throughout the shift the sinks are constantly used to clean glasses. Well, when busy, nobody has time to change the water in the 3 sink compartment, so it just get a little dirtier with each glass. Sometimes if a bartender is real busy and out of glasses, I’ve seen them reuse a glass from the guy who just left, throw it under some water for a quick second and say, Clean!

Fly then said, “well what about at lunch when I order Iced Tea?” And I said, “good luck!” Tea urns are big and bulky, nobody cleans them properly, then simply run a sprayer and wash it out at the end of the night, no chemicals, nothing!  You want to talk about some unsanitary shit, let’s talk about when they refill your drink with the iced tea pitcher. The tea pitcher just sits around the wait stations, where all the trash is laid when busy, not to mention the rags, sorry towels, sit throughout the shift. So who know what falls in the pitchers as they sit on a dirty wait station waiting to refill a glass. Rule #4: order bottles: water, beer, or wine.

I’m telling you, this conversation with The Fly and I went on for hours, questions like, what about the silverware? what about tipping? is a girl waitress better than a guy? is it better to ask for the same waiter? what about sending food back?

I’ll summarize the rest, so I don’t write a book, which I could easily do on this subject.

Rule #5: Bring your own silverware, or clean it before you eat. So many reasons why this is obvious, but there is one that sticks out. ‘The sick’ always rolls the most silverware. I’ve seen waitresses who are ill, near death, that would ask to go home. Managers would hate this, especially if short staffed, so they would simply say, “roll the rest of the silverware and you can leave.” — punishment for being sick, the most tedious task in the restaurant. I’m talking about bitches with 103 fever rolling silverware sneezing and coughing all over you silver. It might look clean and shiny, but it ‘aint son.

Rule #6: You might as well just tip as soon as you sit down. Chances are the waitress just got stiffed on a tip and her day is ruined. This can cause a lot of problems that you are unaware of. You might as well lighten up her mode and tip at the beginning for a fresh start. I guarantee you that you don’t want the baggage of the last table, especially if you are rude. That is when the wait staff goes into, “I don’t give a fuck mode.” Do yourself a favor tip before and after the meal.

Rule #7: Do not send your food back. You can just about imagine what can happen at this point, especially if the whole staff is in “I don’t give a fuck mode.”  Take my word for it, don’t do it. Either eat it and deal with it, or send it back and say, “look we’re in  rush, I don’t have time to wait for another plate.”

Rule #8: Eat out early! Get there before the lunch or dinner rush. This is when the cooks and wait staff are at their best, at the beginning of the shift– before all hell break loose. The probability of having a sanitary meal increase tremendously at this point. Don’t even think about eating out 10 minutes before close, I could write an essay on this topic, but I won’t. Just politely say, “oh, you guys close in 10 minutes, we’ll go next door.”

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