I turn dials and fiddle with knobs to hone in on harmonic rotations
Joined Oct 26, 2011
2,889 Blog Posts

GoPro Tells 270 Overprivileged San Franciscan Employees to GTFO, Shares Soar

GoPro made an announcement Wednesday evening, likely after their Treasury department smoked a large hookah filled with cannabis, saying 270 heads will roll in their San Mateo headquarters–down the hilly streets of San Fransisco–all the way to Hyde Park, where the hobo bros eat pizza and draw rat finks.

The announcement follows a cut of 200 jobs in November, as the camera and sub-par drone maker struggles to turn a profit, all while CEO Nick Woodman sails about the world in his 180 foot yacht.

These job cuts likely represent an elimination of the most absurd chaff, the type of fat one trims from a cheap cut of ribs, for example.  These are San Franciscans, coming to work in flip flops for a few hours, working on apps to rate dispensaries on company time, and complaining when the work week exceeds 32 hours.

Wall Street is quite pleased to see these tanked top wearing west coast punks meet the axe–shares of $GPRO are up around +15% on Thursday trade.

Let this be a message to all California residents.  The days of gimmick gadgets supporting a gluttonous workforce are numbered.  You best learn to surf or create a new camera app for Mark “Rubbernecker” Zuckerberg to flip to the CIA, else find yourself living on the streets, busking to Chinese moguls for kombucha money.

GoPro’s CEO is cutting jobs fast and indiscriminately, straight off the yacht, and Wall Street loves it.


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  1. velth

    Great post, you don’t seem to get much lovin’ (views) sometimes. Oh well we’ll keep kombucha our little secret.

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  2. Bennyhill

    Yea like Google, their revenue per employee is a joke they must surf all day. Lmao. Why are you boring suburbanites so jealous of the residents of our great cities? I’m imagining ironbird in a central California trailer park with linoleum floors drinking a Schultz trading tickets as he curses the Silicon Valley elite.

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    • Raul3

      Oh look everyone, an SV elite has blessed us with his presence. Benny, Benny, hey Benny listen, we have an assortment of IPAs in the cooler, and we ordered the MMA match, Benny make yourself at home broseppi. Mi casa, su casa 🤙🤙

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