It’s filthy, a concoction straight out of a D.C. tyrant’s playbook. But, I have to admit, I’m truly impressed. Pretty damn creative. Hell, I’m jealous I didn’t think of it first. Barry can avert the coming debt ceiling debacle with one magic stroke: mint a coin with his face on it. He will henceforth be known, for all posterity to remember, as President 0bama, the “0” symbolic for all the 0’s in $1 trillion.

In case you need a primer on how this scam works, courtesy of the Federal Reserve’s FAQ section:

Q: What is the role of the Federal Reserve with respect to banknotes and coins?

A: Notes

The Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System is the issuing authority for Federal Reserve notes, the primary form of currency in circulation in the United States. The Board has a wide range of responsibilities related to Federal Reserve notes, from ensuring an adequate supply to protecting and maintaining confidence in U.S. currency.

The 12 regional Federal Reserve Banks, through their network of Districts and branches throughout the country, distribute Federal Reserve notes to the public through depository institutions. Reserve Banks process notes on high-speed sorting machines that check to ensure that they are genuine and fit for recirculation. If the notes are not genuine, Reserve Banks forward them to the local U.S. Secret Service office. If they are genuine and still in good condition, the notes are sent to depository institutions to fill new orders for currency. An individual note continues moving through this cycle until it is deemed unfit, or too worn, to be kept in circulation. Unfit notes are destroyed on-site at Reserve Banks in order to maintain the quality of currency in circulation.

Coins

The Board’s role in coin operations is more limited than its role in cash operations, as the United States Mint is the issuing authority for coins. Reserve Banks distribute new and circulated coin to depository institutions to meet the public’s demand, and take as deposits coin that exceeds the public’s needs.

As the assholes on the teevee described the next round of political gayness, I wondered how Obama could so confidently assert that the debt ceiling would be “off the table” during negotiations. Apparently, he’s got a trillion dollar coin jangling around in his back pocket. Spare us from the debate, Mr. President. Offer us true leadership and let’s get on with the important matter of remuneration:

As announced last night, I am proud to unveil, to the distinguished gentlemen of the IBC community, the dawn of a fresh mouthpiece: PistolPETEY. The “pedro” brand is no more–it’s an anachronism in the era of the tabbed blogger. The “pedro” brand might be enough to win a bullshit election at some high school in Idaho, but it’s hardly sufficient to win over a group of top hatted, ivory cane wielding gentleman. PistolPETEY is pure (no Teavana), unencumbered by the constipated musings of those vying for the crown of tabbed blogger. This space shall be PistolPETEY’s pasture, across which his top shelf commentary will be strewn. Here’s a prime example of said top-shelf commentary.

Since we’re inside of a couple of hours–and PistolPETEY’s still not on the ballot–I’ll keep today’s thoughts brief.

Hearing Turbo Timmy’s response to Steve Liesman’s question about the administration’s willingness to go over the Fiscal Cliff was deliciously hilarious:

LIESMAN: I WANT TO UNDERSTAND THE ADMINISTRATION’S POSITION WHEN IT COMES TO RAISING TAXES ON THE WEALTHY, THOSE MAKING MORE THAN $250,000. IF REPUBLICANS DO NOT AGREE TO THAT, IS THE ADMINISTRATION PREPARED TO GO OVER THE FISCAL CLIFF?

GEITHNER: OH, ABSOLUTELY.

Timmy, I know you think Republicans are stupid but rest assured, they’re eminently aware of how these negotiations are shaping up: no deal hurts Republicans today, Obama forever. Posterity will reflect back and blame “King Barry” as a community organizer in over his head, who overplayed his hand and single-handedly engineered the Second Great Depression. On John Boehner’s congressional office boner, compromise Obama will. He’ll sign “Barry O” to one before year-end, whilst munching on PEAS. Time to eat your fair share, pal.

As elections draw nigh, I find myself in the precarious position of having to reinvent myself, having been overlooked by Le Fly in his pre-election round up of the candidates:

Thus far, these are the contestants (let me know if I am missing anyone).

Rhino
Maximus
Frozenman
Republicat (he dropped out and endorsed Rhino instead)
Xtrade
Raul3
Zenhunter
Young Gun
Greedfeed
Ggarbacz
Eyewall
Elizamae
Chuck Bennett (The Devil’s Advocate)
Bradjd
Dchsn6
The Letter P
Fryguy
Ingsoc
BEAS (currently domiciled in South Ossetia)

Therefore, effective immediately, this space shall be rebranded, with the express intent of enrapturing the Ibankcoin electorate.  Rest assured, this isn’t benign campaign chicanery; rather, it’s the necessary course for delivering top-shelf content of the of the highest order. Internet service from Xfinity sounds a hell of a lot better than Comcast, doesn’t it? (NOTE: they both suck.)

Comrades, review the above challengers and take note of the paucity of talent. This is a lot unfit to write 6th grade book reports, let alone offer advice vis a vis the perch of “tabbed blogger.” Their pernicious charts and vapid blog writings evoke the musings of Slope of a Dope. Ignore them at all costs, lest risk injury to your person–and brokerage account.

I’m eminently aware of what I’m up against in this election: quantity over quality. This has been their siren song, why they deserve a tab. They post a lot and deserve it “moarer” (their words, not mine). Understand something, you thankless gnomes, I don’t work for free. I require remuneration. So will the scores of minions Rhino lets loose into cyber space at 12:01 tomorrow night.

Pedro’s “new” brand shall be unveiled tomorrow, freshly minted for election night. After all, the Fly himself, aka Le Fly, aka Senior Tropicana, aka HORATIO CLAWHAMMER, aka PLUTONIUM PETEY had to undergo a series of metamorphoses to become the specimen he is today.

I’ll keep this short and spare you of platitudes campaigning for your vote. While I haven’t blogged within the hallowed halls of IBC in some time, I’d be remiss if I didn’t take Le Fly up on his offer to RUSH Iota Beta Kappa’s fraternity of money printers.  I readily admit I preside over a bullshit Zeeco account, fraught with one “GANGHAM STYLE” outsized bet after another. My only qualification for financial blogging is an aptitude for proper grammar (no chuck bennett).

IBC already boasts the interwebs’ preeminent collection of financial bloggers. What I’d like to offer, instead, is a supplement of sorts, intended to entertain and stimulate. So, if I’m fortunate enough to make the ballot, before you cast your vote, dear reader of IBC, I kindly petition you to peruse my archives and witness for yourself that Pedro’s pen is mightier.

The Kahuna, aka JAVA JOE, aka Fucking Kernen  is at it again–this time, asking Jets owner Woody Johnson if Tim Tebow is still a virgin.

No wonder these heathens are ‘finna go outta business.

I was disappointed to read Le Fly effectively tramp stamp Becky Quick yesterday with the AHOTW. Not because she was undeserving, but rather, her misstep paled in comparison to the egregious GAFFE committed by one Timothy Cook, whose personal mission is to be the fruitiest CEO in America.

I’m stunned at the lack of outcry over Cook’s comments apologizing for Apple’s botched foray into mapping the world. Mr. Cook, you sir, are a bitch and my Asshat of the Week.

Now, I understand that this apology is straight out of the Steve Jobs’ playbook. Apologizing for product blunders is chic–it’s how intrepid CEOs run their companies. HORSESHIT. Your pathetic app is embarrassing enough, spare us from your platitudes. When Google has 7,000 engineers devoted to their Maps app, the only thing you should be apologizing for is your hubris. Straight out of the Jobs playbook, indeed.

Behold, a roller coaster bridge in Bristol:

The shadows look on point though.

Despite releasing an abortion of technology, what’s particularly troublesome here–and thus worthy of an asshat award–is Cook offering suggestions for alternatives to Apple’s Maps. Who the fuck does this? Have you ever heard a CEO openly advocate the use of competitive products, while his company works to improve theirs? I’d like to give Cook the benefit of the doubt and chalk this up to colossal stupidity, but it’s likelier that this is just good ole’ Apple-flavored hubris.

“The more our customers use our Maps the better it will get,” he wrote.

Explain, Mr. Cook, how this will happen if customers should seek alternatives. When Apple announced that they’d be ditching Google Maps in favor of their own technology, the decision was unanimously applauded as a win-win solution that could both drive incremental growth while undercutting Google’s monopoly on “Local,” the risks of jettisoning a popular technology be damned. Instead, once sure-fire Apple customers now find themselves looking for alternatives–to the iPhone. Jobs well done, Mr. Cook.

What the hell is the matter with this guy? It’s obvious he once was a prolific problem solver. I’m baffled at how the minute he enters the political spotlight, he becomes stupefied, devoid of any semblance of common sense. Mitt, it’s the 4th quarter, there are two minutes left, you’re down two touchdowns. Quit running fullback dives. Start throwing the ball down field. Start solving problems like you have the last forty years: fire people.

Make the second bold move of this campaign and ditch your jackass of strategist Stu Stevens. You lost with him in 2008 and are assuming the position in 2012. Your campaign offers ZERO (Obama flavored) intensity or creativity. The other guy’s campaign is based on “it could have been worse,” and he’s still creating separation in the polls. This must be what Democrats felt in 2004 when they nominated the Blue Romney.

For some reason, the RNC played host to Clint Eastwood and a chair.

Obama gifts you the “you didn’t build that” softball, but instead, Stu and Co. have you at bullshit donor dinners gabbing that “the 47% didn’t build that.” You then counter with a video about Obama’s proclivity for redistribution from the last millennium. Fucking pathetic. Deleterious minutiae.

This is what Romney–like all politicians–has learned to do well: waste our time.

Our country is in a lull, starving for a boost in morale–it’s MOTHERFUCKING HALFTIME IN AMERICA, fergodsakes. (Hilarious that car companies are more in tune with the country’s pulse than the guys in charge of a presidential campaign.) Give them their halftime speech. Tell them what QE3 means for them. Explain how their gas prices and groceries will cost more, that this was borne out of the “Big O’s” failure to lead.

Then go talk to what’s left of the Rick Perry campaign, get them to sign over the rights to this video and slap your name on it. This is what a game-changing campaign ad looks like:

Andrew Ross Sorkin is a dipshit. There is just no way around it.

Andrew Ross Sorkin is CNBC’s well-liked, boyish-looking 35-year-old journalist wonder. He was brought aboard to rescue CNBC from unwashed heathens like Joe Kernen. (By the way, is there a more incessant, barbarous interviewer than Joe Kernen? “The Box” invites guests to hear their squawks, only to have the “Kahuna” ask them questions that HE PROCEEDS TO ANSWER HIMSELF. Every Kernen query is rhetorical. Total contempt for this cunt muscle.)

The abomination that is FB has been the topic of the morning on CNBC, prompted entirely by ARS’s article in DealBook, where Sorkin contends that FB CEO David David Ebersman is the man behind the IPO’s debacle. In other words, he’s the reason why Facebook has lost $50 billy in market cap.

So, according to Ross, the CFO has a fiduciary responsibility for both the company’s coffers and its employees’ portfolios. It’s the CFO’s job to make everyone rich, Bernanke style. Sorkin probably subscribes to the idea that the Fed should start targeting GDP instead of inflation–just like CFOs should start targeting employee 401k annual returns. Truly remarkable that someone with Sorkin’s clout could come up with this kind of rationale.

In actuality, Ebersman netted $16 billion for a company that could be worth $16 billion as soon as Thanksgiving. Hilariously, the lower FB’s stock price goes, the smarter Ebersman looks. So, Andy, I’m not sure what you’re getting at. Sorkin briefly makes mention of the bankers’ role in this shit show, but only to tacitly suggest that the final decision was Eberman’s.

Sorkin explains the article’s timing away with us being at the “pivotal three-month mark” since IPO. But may I be so bold to suggest that instead, the impetus for the artcile’s timing was Goldman’s PR department on Line 1, looking for a favorable headline ahead of the billion share lockup expiry in November? Recall, Dealbook has sponsorship agreements with prominent Wall Street investment banks.

Despite CNBC’s efforts to prop Sorkin above the fray, to divorce him from the Wall Street banking establishment vis-à-vis an established perception that he’s a hard-hitting journalist, it remains brazenly evident that the guy is just another Wall Street crony. A couple of weeks ago, when Sanford Weill appeared on Squawk Box, pontificating about the perilous implications of “too big to fail” from his fucking arm-chair, Sorkin had a glorious opportunity to put his journalistic prowess on display and check Weill’s righteousness. Instead, tickle-me-Sorkin just sat there and accepted Weill’s bullshit sermon, without asking, very simply, “But, Mr. Weill, weren’t you the guy who invented too big to fail?” Sit your ARSe down, ARS.

Perusing my Twitter feed, I came across an article that inspired me to do some venting. Hence, I’m revisiting the mini-blog I began when the IBC Blogger Network launched nine months ago. Just so you know, I intend to start using this space with some regularity–and not because this transcendent site needs another vagrant littering its front lawn with (unqualified) market commentary. Instead, my hope is to use this as a launching pad for thoughts and market ideas, while keeping my writing skills sharp.

Now, onto to the impetus for this blog: Michael T. “Stick ’em up” Moe.

Mr. Moe said he was angriest about overpaying for Groupon, saying, “Yeah, I blew Groupon.” He said that he also did not anticipate what he called a “deceleration” in Facebook’s growth rate, and that it was “kind of infuriating” that some of its early investors were allowed to exit before others. GSV often must hold its shares until six months after a public offering.

Yeah, Mikey, we believe ya, you’re really, really angry about the Groupon disaster. You’re upset that your “innovative” fund, intended solely for the little guy to get his piece of the private equity pie, has now been hurled into the Wall Street reject bin. You regurgitate metaphors like “it’s the batting average that counts” and pout that early stage investors get to sell before GSV does.

What Mikey Moe fails to tell us, though, is that even if FB’s IPO had been a smashing success and sustained its $100 billion valuation for more than a week, GSVC would still likely be printing with an $8 handle. Recall, it was under Moe’s stewardship that the fund lauded as being for the average investor diluted its float into oblivion as the share price goose-stepped higher ahead of FB’s IPO. Let me make myself perfectly clear, Mr. Moe: NO ONE GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR PLIGHT. You robbed investors blind, and while the social media bubble’s deflation has expedited your inevitable destruction, your insolence has not gone unnoticed. But I’m sure that despite this track record, you won’t have any problems starting a new fund.

Futures are off 30 points ahead of the GREAT DEFLATOR’s speech. I realize we’re in the middle of the fucking GOP convention and that anything that doesn’t diametrically oppose “the 0” is anathema, but can we tack a step back and consider that Ryan’s plan isn’t the debt eraser everyone thinks it will be? Recall, political experts of 2012, he voted in favor of TARP; he voted to bail out Detroit. I’m not sure he’s quite the ideologue, draconian the Left wants him to be. We’ll see if he’s the pragmatic problem solver the Right needs him to be.

Also, the Tim Pawlenty comedy hour was a complete embarrassment. Can’t believe they let that nerd on stage.

UPDATE: You have to admit, Ryan rocked the house. Very impressive.

I keep reading how the “retail” investor is absent from this tape. Mind you, I oversee a gloriously volatile 4-figure Zeeco account. Nevertheless, I do declare, Mr. retail investor: Good Riddance.

The market continues to act like a crack addict scouring for his dealer. With Gold and Oil careening into their technical abysses, there are people (ZeroHedgers) in the streets, screaming, “This is it…No, no, really, this is the one.”  Call me “retail,” but I refuse to buy into the absolute nonsense emanating from Sachs’ latest missive on the past few days, namely that the market is just now acknowledging that Friday’s EU Summit was an abject failure.  Others are suggesting that the violent risk-off nature in commodities is the harbinger of a China in free-fall. Nonsense, all of it.

In the midst of this week’s leg lower, all I’ve been focused on is the VIX’s relative calm.  At sub-30, the VIX belies the above concerns and MORE. I should also note the very real possibility that this is nothing more than an end-of-year rebalancing in gold/oil. I remain highly skeptical of this move and am prepared for a massive upside reversal–and soon. Long WNR, long GSVC. Refiners and pending IPOs is where it’s at–it’s where Tebow wants you to be.