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LOL-The Onion: $AAPL To Fix Map Software By Rearranging Earth’s Geography (VIDEO)

“We heart you, The Onion. America’s premier fake news channel has discovered Apple’s plans to fix its notoriously bad maps software by rearranging the Earth’s geography. “Apple is committed to providing the best user experience possible, which is why we are working to dismantle the Brooklyn Bridge and put London in Canada,” says Apple CEO Tim Cook, according to The Onion. Watch the full report below:”

Video and article

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Billionaire Acts Like a Douche-Bag, Gets Banned From Nobu for Life

“It wasn’t the happiest of evenings for pharmaceutical billionaire Stewart Rahr at swank New York restaurant Nobu the other night, Brad Hamilton of the New York Post reports.

Rahr apparently showed up at Nobu Fifty Seven and was outraged to find that other diners were sitting at “his” table. He then marched up to the table and offered to pay the people’s tab to get them to leave.

The restaurant’s manager says he later “called me the C-word and said he would kill me.”

Full article

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Election Night Drinking Games

Via Zero Hedge, this looks to be the bible of Election Night Drinking Games:

While some believe tonight is critical to the future of our nation – and well could be – we believe some will need placating as the results roll across the bottom of their screens and are manipulated in an ever-increasing multitude of 10-dimensional holographic charts that we fully expect to work incorrectly at some point. To fulfil that ‘need for numbing’, we have found three drinking games of varying suspected quantity that we hope will prove useful. From simple and stand-alone, to team-based and punish-your-friends focused, we believe there is a fair-and-balanced approach here for everyone.

Read the rest here.

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Ya Gotta Vote!

[youtube://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-eEtyygESA 450 300]

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White House Scientists Struggle to Contain Outbreak of Scrutonium

WASHINGTON DC – Engaged a relentless battle against time and fatigue, a select group of message scientists assembled by the White House’s Center for Narrative Control say they will take “all steps necessary” to contain a recent outbreak of scrutonium, a deadly poll-eating supervirus that attacks the immuno-hope system, leaving victims vulnerable to material facts.

“Failure is simply not an option,” said an exhausted Mission Chief David Axelrod. “If left unchecked, this virus may actually force us to move back to Chicago.”

Read the rest here.

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Deficit Hawkman

[youtube://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EIifeECiZi8&feature=relmfu 450 300]

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