FLASH: Excerpts from Paula Deen’s New Health Food Cookbook

(via) (NOTE: This is satire)

Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!

FRUIT SALAD

INGREDIENTS:

1 lb. bag of Skittles

3 cups ranch dressing

DIRECTIONS:

Mix well. Serve room temperature.

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PAULA’S BROWN RICE

INGREDIENTS:

1 pilaf white rice

1 bowl melted Junior Mints

DIRECTIONS:

Cover rice in chocolate. Serve with maple syrup to taste. To splurge, top with a sprinkle of sausage calzones.

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SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES

INGREDIENTS:

1 dozen (12) Cadbury eggs

2 lbs. Frito crumbs

1 package extra-fat pork lard

1 pilaf Paula’s brown rice

DIRECTIONS:

Break the Cadbury eggs and harvest the crème-filled white centers. Dip them in the Frito crumbs. Put the lard (make SURE to get the extra-fat kind or it will be BLAND) in a frying pan on high heat, and fry the crème centers until golden-brown. Serve on a bed of Paula’s brown rice.

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PAULA’S GARDEN BURGER

INGREDIENTS:

3 bags Olive Garden® Endless Breadsticks

12 Olive Garden® Stuffed Mushrooms

1 plate Olive Garden® New! Baked Pasta Romana with Chicken

4 Olive Garden® Black Tie Mousse Cakes

1 slice American cheese (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

Smash all of the Olive Garden® foods together until they resemble a large patty and top with cheese. For lowest calories, hold the cheese.

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PAULA’S GUILT-FREE FAT-FREE® SMOOTHIE

INGREDIENTS:

34 lbs. sugar

DIRECTIONS:

Put sugar in smoothie glass and drink with straw, serve chilled in white wine tumblers or, for special occasions, lap from trough. This delicacy is guilt-free since you can make a conscious choice not to feel guilty about anything you put in your body like Paula does!

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BUFFET AND A BURGER

INGREDIENTS:

1 burger

1 Las Vegas buffet

Christmas-themed elastic pants (optional)

DIRECTIONS:

Go to Las Vegas buffet. Make sure the buffet has burgers, or provide your own. Do NOT walk around the buffet. Get a motorized scooter, or stay in one spot and use a jaws of life to pick some of each buffet food out of the tubs and put it on your burger. Elastic pants are nice because your gupa (gunt-fupa) stays nicely inside the stretchy pants except for a few folds of fat with stretch marks that seep out of the pants.

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PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLIES

INGREDIENTS:

1 peanut

18 sticks of butter, mashed

1 pair Jellies shoes

DIRECTIONS:

Cover the shoes with butter and top with the peanut, and then eat the shoes. If you eat shoes it’s like you’re exercising so it’s VERY healthy.

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PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PIZZA PANTS

INGREDIENTS:

10’x20’ swath of pizza

Another pizza to use as pepperonis on the pizza

Stuffed mushrooms

FYI the mushrooms are stuffed with smaller pizzas

Smuckers magic shell ice cream topping

Rolos

Coca-cola

3 bags gummy bears

Fondue

Caesar salad dressing

Wood chips (as a thickener)

Grenadine syrup

Butter-flour mixture

Pizza Pockets

1 sewing machine

1 sewing pattern for pants (size XXXL)

DIRECTIONS:

Mushrooms are a vegetable and there are definitely some mushrooms on that pizza so technically they are HEALTHY-style pizza pants. Take the really big pizza. Put all of the other ingredients on the pizza. Pour the coke on the pizza. Dip the pizza in the fondue, and resist eating it before you make it into pants, no cheating!!! Sew that pizza into pants using the machine and the pattern. Make sure to sew in some pockets so you can keep a few extra spare Pizza Pockets in your pizza pockets!!!! Then eat your pants!!!!!!!!!!!

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PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN

INGREDIENTS:

3 turduckens

DIRECTIONS:

Stuff a turducken in a turducken in a turducken. While you’re waiting for it to cook, make your fat niece make you some pizza pants while you’re watching Pawn Stars and eat your pants and then slap your niece.

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INSULIN AU GRATIN

INGREDIENTS:

1 insulin shot

15 lbs. block of cheddar cheese

DIRECTIONS:

Bury insulin shot in cheese. When you’re going into a diabetic coma, just eat your way to the shot!! Eat the cheese fast or you’ll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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SPARKLING WATER

INGREDIENTS:

1 glass sparkling water

1 ham

DIRECTIONS:

Put ham in water.

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