The Southern Confederacy is bracing for what promises to be a catastrophic blizzard – one that will go down in southern lore next to Gettysburg and the Great Biscuit Shortage of ’92.
Look you stupid patsies, quit bitching to me about the cold. While you’re preparing rations over a bit of ice, Cain Hammond Thaler has been digging himself out of snow rifts piled five feet high for almost three months.
His knees are cold and my blood is hot.
You want to know the real reason the South lost the war? It’s because their blood is too thin. It slows you down. Small paper cuts result in emergency room visits. You run a saber through a Northerner, you know what happens? They just clot. Right there on the spot.
And it makes you lazy. Do you know I once ventured into an IHOP in Alabama and waited 21 minutes to be served? Actually that has nothing to do with the temperature. I just wanted to point out Southerners are obnoxiously slow.
At any rate, if you could stop broadcasting in real time the number of jackass rednecks who go off the road (from lack of skill in driving, have no doubt) over a small dusting or a little ice, those of us who drove through four inches of snow with iced over vehicles to get to work last week would probably appreciate it.If you enjoy the content at iBankCoin, please follow us on Twitter