Category Archives: Funny
With election season in full swing, attack ads are coming to a TV near you. Some actually focus on issues – some don’t and those make for some pretty funny viewing
I don’t know who Jeff Brandes is, but according to his opponent Jim Frische, he obviously supports a Cyberdyne future where Robots will rise up and enslave their human masters starting with senior citizens in Florida
And it all starts with driverless cars from Google
How do you beat a $100 million dollar airport security system? Jet Ski and Swim
This sounds like an episode of Eastbound and Down
A man whose jet ski failed him in New York’s Jamaica Bay swam to John F. Kennedy airport, where he was easily able to penetrate the airport $100 million, state-of-the art security system.
Daniel Casillo, 31, was able to swim up to and enter the airport grounds on Friday night, past an intricate system of motion sensors and closed-circuit cameras designed to to safeguard against terrorists, authorities said.
“I think he should be given dinner and a bottle of champagne for showing us our faults,” said Nicholas Casale, an NYPD veteran and former MTA deputy security director for counterterrorism.
Instead, Casillo was arrested after the incredible adventure that has stunned security officials.
Casillo’s night began innocently enough, as he and some friends were racing on jet skis in Jamaica Bay near JFK airport when his watercraft stalled. After calling for and receiving no help, he managed to swim towards the only thing he could see, the runway lights at JFK.
Once he made it to land, Casillo climbed an eight-foot barbed-wire perimeter fence and walked undetected through the airport’s Perimeter Intrusion Detection System and across two runways into Delta’s terminal 3.
Unnoticed until then, Casillo walked into the airport dripping wet and wearing his bright yellow life jacket.
When he was eventually spotted by a Delta employee, police charged Casillo with criminal trespassing.
“It’s outrageous,” Casale said. “Why in 2012 do we not have a security system throughout our airports?”
This is not the first time an airport’s security systems failed.
In March, a black jeep sped down a runway at Philadelphia’s international airport. That incident came on the heels of another in California, when a BMW slammed through the airport fence when the driver reportedly lost control.
Last year at JFK there was a huge uproar over that same perimeter fence, when it was knocked out by weather and remained down for days.
New York Port Authority officials tell ABC News this time around they “took immediate action to increase its police presence with round the clock patrols of the facility’s perimeter and increased patrols by boat of the surrounding waterway.”
“We have called for an expedited review of the incident and a complete investigation to determine how Raytheon’s perimeter intrusion detection system-which exceeds federal requirements-could be improved. Our goal is to keep the region’s airports safe and secure at all times,” the Port Authority said in a statement.
Taylor Grey Meyer, a 31-year-old resident of Coronado, Calif., who is a published writer, a licensed pilot, and has completed a master’s degree in sports commerce wanted to work for the San Diego Padres. So much in fact that she applied over 30 times by her own estimates.
In March she even tried for entry level into the organization – a minimum-wage job selling tickets at Petco Park. This was the response she got back the team:
We want to thank you for your interest in the above mentioned position. We had many fine applicants for the position, including you. However, we have filled the position with someone whose background and credentials we feel best meet our needs at this time. We welcome you to apply for any future positions we have available that match your skills and experience.
The Hiring Manager for the “Ticket Seller – San Diego Padres (San Diego, CA)” MLB Baseball Jobs
By that point she had given up on the dream and never expected to hear from them again. But last week an e-mail from team arrived:
On Sun, Aug 5, 2012 at 10:09 AM, <[Redacted]@padres.com> wrote
I wanted to reach out to you as you had previously applied for a position here with the Padres to join our Inside Sales Program. While it may not have been a fit at the time, we appreciate your interest in the position and encourage you to pursue your dream of working in professional sports.
With that being said, I wanted to make sure you are aware of an opportunity to get your start and to pursue a career in sports. Dr. Bill Sutton, author of Sports Marketing, has asked our organization to host the Sports Sales Combine here at Petco Park on September 14-15. It will be the first ever West Coast Combine! As a Combine attendee you would have the opportunity to spend quality time with the hiring managers for multiple teams from different leagues across the country.
Job seekers like you have found this to be the most authentic training and networking experience available. The sales managers who join us claim the Combine is the best recruiting tool for them. Having been to multiple combines myself, and hired numerous people from the events, I could think of NO better way to get a start in the sport industry. This event could change your whole career. I know it changed the lives of some of my staff.
Please note that this is NOT a job fair where participants spend a few minutes speaking with prospective employers. Over the two-day event, participants receive high-quality, one-on-one training from attending sales coaches and several unique opportunities to demonstrate their skills in addition to the hours spent with attending managers. You will have a chance to showcase your sales leadership skills as well.
We anticipate attending sales managers will be looking to fill 50+ jobs at the Combine. Teams from the MLB, NBA, NHL, NFL, MLS and college athletics all use the combine as a key source to find talent for their organizations. This is your chance to make an impression on ALL of them in one weekend. Also, what better place to network and learn for a weekend than San Diego, CA?
Taylor, as we look for the best young talent from across the country we wanted to make sure you were aware of the opportunity. You can find the combine application at Teamwork Online through the link below. I’ve also included a link to the Sports Sales Combine website.
Please do not hesitate to reach out to me should you have any questions about this special event.
All the Best, [Redacted]
The offer is exactly what it sounds like – a $495 admission to a job fair where she would get a few miuntes in front of a low level HR person affiliated a major league team. The same exact opportunity as several hundred (thousand?) other starving applicants willing to shell out the cash.
Sometimes, things just push you over the edge. Here’s what Meyer wrote back:
On Sun, Aug 5, 2012 at 11:56 AM, Taylor Grey Meyer <[Redacted]@gmail.com> wrote
I wanted to thank you for reaching out to me when thinking of ways to meet your quota for the Sports Sales Combine.
After careful review I must decline. I realize I may be burning a bridge here, but in the spirit of reciprocity, I would like to extend you a counter-offer to suck my dick. Clearly, I don’t have one of these, so my offer makes about as much sense as yours. But for the price you’re charging to attend the event, I’m sure I would have no problem borrowing one.
Managers like you have found this to be the most authentic training available. Real, hands-on experience getting you on your way to perfecting the techniques you will need to climb the corporate ladder. In these tough economic times, it’s always good to widen your skill set.
Let’s talk about why I wasn’t a good fit with your organization. Was it my extensive education that made me less of a fit, that now paying $500 will allow me to overcome? My graduate work in sports commerce? Being a law student, working toward becoming an agent? Was it my past experience overseeing the execution of national and international events? Wait, I know, maybe it was my previous internship with Major League Soccer, and that I actually got my “start” in professional sports at the age of 15 when I volunteered at a minor league ballpark in my hometown. And given all that, I chose to apply with the Padres, at least 30 times since moving to San Diego. Persevering through countless anonymous email rejections, I continued to submit my resume despite never even being granted the courtesy of a face-to-face interview. All for the joy of making $30K a year. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not the best fit for your company. But here’s a nice fit, my foot in your ass.
All the best,
Someone in the Padres office forwarded her response and four days later, Meyer’s letter has been shared in sales offices across pro sports. Her letter to the Padres has already gone viral (though she says she hasn’t gotten any job offers as a result). According to Deadspin, her letter has been forwarded to the sales divisions at the following professional sports teams: the Cleveland Cavaliers, the Lake Erie Monsters, the Arizona Diamondbacks, the New York Yankees, the Houston Astros, the Houston Dynamo, the Miami Marlins, the Miami Dolphins, the Boston Red Sox, the Chicago Cubs, the New York Mets, FC Dallas, the Washington Nationals, the Baltimore Orioles, the Minnesota Vikings, the Cincinnati Bengals, the Cleveland Gladiators, the Dayton Dragons and the Kansas City Chiefs .
Meyer says she has been out of work for 10 months, and dropped out of law school in July because the loans simply weren’t enough to live on. She’s been sleeping on a friend’s couch since then, and applied to fast food restaurants and chain stores, only to be told she’s overqualified.
Meyer’s rejection is being appreciated by some members of the Padres organization. One employee found Meyer’s response downright amusing.
“Taylor’s letter was too incredible for anyone to get offended,” said the Padres worker, who didn’t want to be named. “I’m more impressed than angry.”
For those of you who travel, seeing the words “We Know About This” scrawled on the damaged wing of your aircraft, as you taxi down the runway probably sounds like something from “the Twilight Zone”
But that’s just what happened to a passenger on this Alaska Air flight bound for Seattle from Burbank:
Alaska Airlines spokeswoman Bobbie Egan said that the photo showed a permanent approved trim repair to the corner flap of the right wing, and that the plane was absolutely safe to fly.
“The small indent shown in the photo was reported multiple times in multiple flight crew reports. A maintenance technician wrote on the wing to acknowledge to flight crews that the repair was made, documented and that the plane was airworthy,” she said.
Egan said the airline immediately removed the message from the wing upon hearing about it, and apologized for any alarm it may have caused.
uhh… gee… Thanks Alaska Air (ALK)
Cue the scary music………
Caution: somewhat NSFW towards the end
I know it’s only Monday, and there’s lots of possible dumbfuckery yet to come , but this Washington Post column by George Will prompts me to present this dubious honor well in advance of the weekend.
Basically, George Will is calling for a ban on Football
Decades ago, this column lightheartedly called football a mistake because it combines two of the worst features of American life — violence, punctuated by committee meetings, which football calls huddles. Now, however, accumulating evidence about new understandings of the human body — the brain, especially, but not exclusively — compel the conclusion that football is a mistake because the body is not built to absorb, and cannot be adequately modified by training or protected by equipment to absorb, the game’s kinetic energies.
After 18 people died playing football in 1905, even President Theodore Roosevelt, who loved war and gore generally, flinched and forced some rules changes. Today, however, the problem is not the rules; it is the fiction that football can be fixed and still resemble the game fans relish.
George Will justifies this position by mentioning the suicides of Junir Seau and Dave Duerson along with the implication that they were the result of brain trauma that lead to dementia and depression. He further states that today’s athletes are bigger, stronger & faster which will lead to more concussions and that will inevitably lead parents to keeping their kids out of Football and the eventual demise of the sport.
George Will didn’t do any research on this theory.
For starters according to the National Federation of State High Schools over 1.1 million kids played HS football in 2011. And although we don’t have exact numbers – experts for Sports Illustrated estimate another 1.1 million play youth football.
That same SI article discusses Pop Warner leagues, which have over 170,000 players nationwide, and have never had a player fatality in their 67-year history. And studies show that most youth football programs are relatively safe. In a recent study, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission examined athletic injuries on a sport-by-sport basis. It found that organized football 5-to-15 year-olds had 12 % fewer injuries per capita than organized soccer for the same age group. Football also had 50% fewer injuries than bike riding and 74% fewer than skateboarding.
I played football for 8 years and have coached sons for another 12. In all that time I’ve seen only one serious injury – a broken leg. I’ve never had a teammate or player suffer a neck injury and only a handful where I thought there might be a possible concussion. Maybe you wonder what qualifies me to judge possible concussions? 7 years of coaches clinics and certifications. and who provides the material for these clinics? Well it’s none other the CDC -
But George Will didn’t think to do any research before he wrote that Post article or talked to George Stephanopoulos in a “This Week” roundtable discussion.
He just opened his mouth and let uninformed opinions spew out.
And for that George Will is the IBC Asshat of the Week.
Mr. Cain Thaler’s excellent blog of his clusterfuck trip on UAL reminded me of this piece I wrote several years ago, back when I labored under the delusion I would someday write comedy that people would laugh at and possibly pay to read
I’m a road warrior. Not like Mad Max, or the clowns that used the nickname in professional wrestling years ago. No, I’m a true road warrior. Funny thing is my wife, family and friends keep telling me just how “lucky” I am to live this glamorous lifestyle. Want to know just how glamorous it is? Well I’m just the guy to tell you.
You see, I’m the guy who has to book his own flights, hotel and rental car and takes an hour doing it so I can find the best deal to keep my expense account below the GNP of some third world nations. Of course I’m the guy who, once he finds the right price, has his internet explorer lock up and lose all the information I just entered. Later, I guarantee I’ll run into someone who will brag he bought his ticket at lastminutesuperflightdealio.com for 50% of what I paid.
I’m the guy who goes online the day before his flight to print my boarding pass in advance. This way I can at least miss one line at the airport. But god forbid if my flight’s on Southwest where I have to log on exactly 24 hours prior to departure or risk sitting in the center seat of row 30 between large, talky individuals headed to the national Beanie Babies convention. These are the same folks who simply must tell me about how they acquired “Stretch the Ostrich” at a garage sale for only five bucks after talking the owner down from seven.
I’m the guy that gets up at 4:00 AM, showers, dresses and drives an hour to the airport so I can wait in line to take off my shoes, belt, cell phone and glasses and cram them into a little rubber tote. I’m the guy who crams his toothpaste (which will explode), Visine (which will evaporate), hair gel (which will leak) and toothbrush (which will be covered by the aforementioned ingredients) into a little plastic bag for the scrutiny of highly trained security personnel making less than the greeter at my neighborhood Wal-Mart.
To be honest I’ll have to forgo the hair gel in a couple more years and hope hair in a can comes in a convenient 5 oz. travel size.
I’m the guy who won’t beep going through the metal detector because I do it 4 times a week But I’m also the guy who invariably will be right behind someone who hasn’t flown since 1988 and wonders why he can’t bring his pool cue, Zippo lighter and thermos of Jim Beam and coffee on board.
And even though I don’t beep, I’m the guy who gets the random security screening pat down and watches as a highly trained security agent rips through my neatly packed shirt, slacks and ties like the discount table at Old Navy.
I’m the guy who wonders around the terminal like it’s an Easter egg hunt searching for the open 110v outlet to plug my dying laptop and cell phone into. It’s because in addition to the 60 e-mails I received since I logged off at 6:00 PM the previous night, I need to finally get around to naming and categorizing the 300 or so digital photos I took of my kids and uploaded into a file called “my pictures”.
Sometime between takeoff and landing I’ll also need to finish a PowerPoint that won’t induce a coma on my prospective audience. Of course that assumes my flight will actually depart on time and I won’t sit on a tarmac for two hours while some strange circumstance prevents our departure to the friendly skies. You know the type. It’s the voice over the intercom just as we’re pulling away from the gate saying “This is your captain, we seem to have a small problem”.
I’m the guy that always, and I do mean always sits on the plane behind someone who absolutely must recline his seat. Yes, for the comfort he derives from tilting back three degrees, my five inches of leg room turns into three and the tray table holding my PC jams directly into my sternum, And I guarantee I’m the guy who will always be in front of, next to or directly behind the toddler who screams in decibels only heard at a Metallica concert as his ears pop from the cabin pressure change.
I’m also 99% sure the stewardess…. errrr ..flight attendant will run over my foot with the beverage cart. Then she will pop open your can of Coke right next to my head spewing a fine mist of sticky carbonation on the side of my head and sport coat. Later, I’ll be the guy in the bathroom trying to use wet paper towels to clean it off. You’ll know it’s me because this process will leave little fibers on my jacket making it look like it just came out of a dryer full of beach towels.
Once we land, I’ll hope my phone has at least 2 bars so I can faintly hear the half dozen voice mails that I received, I’ll be the one frantically pushing 1 so the message will rewind between the snap, crackle, pop of my “so clear you can hear a pin drop” of my cellular provider.
Of course all of this is really a moot point because the guy next to me will be shouting into his cell phone there’s no way Sandjaya should have been voted off American idol last night. His opinion on that is obviously mission critical to Simon, Randy and Paula.
I’m also the guy that will get hit in the head by the lady trying to get her 80 lb. roll on out of the overhead bin. Somehow, the wheeled behemoth was wedged, you guessed it, right on top of my carry on bag. Did I mention I’ll also be the guy that ruins his shirt with the defective iron later in the hotel?
Luckily the effects of the concussion are mild and I stumble through the airport in search of the rental car shuttle. As you may guess I’m also the guy who misses that bus by 30 seconds and gets to stand next to the dozen nicotine addicts who must make up for their 180 minutes of cold turkey abstinence by chain smoking an entire pack of camels.
When I get to the rental lot I will be the guy who’s name doesn’t show up on the LCD board. As the attendant proceeds to explain that they are out of cars, I’ll be the one remembering the rental car scene from Seinfeld where Jerry says “you know how to *take* the reservation, you just don’t know how to *hold* the reservation. And that’s really the most important part of the reservation: the holding. Anybody can just take them”. I also shed a hidden tear that there will never be a show that funny on TV again.
Once I actually do get a car, I’ll be the guy you’re honking at for driving slowly coming out of the airport. It’s not that I don’t know how to drive; it’s just that my rental car didn’t come with instructions on how the electric seats, defogger or instrument panel work. So I can’t really see, reach the pedals or determine how 15 KPH converts to the local speed limit. Nine times out of ten I’m also the guy your local law enforcement gives a $200 “welcome to Denver” citation five miles from DIA. I’ll also be the guy trying to read the wrinkled Google map or figure out why my GPS keeps telling me its “recalculating new coordinates”.
An hour later, I’ll be that guy in the wrinkled suit that had to park a half mile from the entrance to the hotel. That entrance will always be uphill. And it will be raining… or snowing. Even in Texas. The strap for my laptop bag will be broken and I’ll look like a Kosovo refugee as I stagger into the Hotel. And of course, all they will have left are smoking rooms. Next to the elevators. And the ice machines.
During the night my heater will sound like a Harley as it kicks on and off every 20 minutes changing the room air from arctic to sauna and back again. Maybe I’ll get lucky and the condensation from the temperature inversion will take the wrinkles out of slacks.
Who am I kidding? At this point I’ll be thrilled if there’s enough hot water for a three minute shower. I contemplate the nearby meal choices of KFC, Taco Bell or a $12 hamburger in the bar downstairs and decide that my ever increasing waist line probably will provide me enough sustenance to make it through until the breakfast bar opens at 6:00 AM. I’ll have to be quick though as the Quaker instant oats are always the first thing to go.
So I settle in, plug up my dead laptop and promptly learn it will cost me $10 to connect to the “high speed wireless” network my hotel so graciously provides. After agreeing to this reasonable sum, I am repeatedly informed “The wireless network is not connected” as I attempt to connect. I call the front desk to inform them and they kindly provide me with an 800 number that is answered by “Bob”.
Strangely though, Bob’s accent doesn’t make him sound like a “Bob”. At this point, I really don’t care as my e-mail correspondence, has reached triple digits. Once I’ve performed the ritual of shutting down and rebooting windows, twice, Bob apologizes for what must be the tenth time and concludes it must be a problem on their end.
At this point I thank “Bob” for his assistance close the laptop and pick up the phone to call home.
On the other end my lovely wife’s first question? “So how was your day, honey?”
This is hilarious video of news anchors screwing things up in a variety of ways:
Retired adult film actress Jenna Jameson voiced support for presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney at a strip club Thursday, CBS San Francisco reports:
“I’m very looking forward to a Republican being back in office,” Jameson said while sipping champagne in a VIP room at Gold Club in the city’s South of Market neighborhood. “When you’re rich, you want a Republican in office.”
Jameson was being interviewed “exclusively” by a CBS reporter who was “on assignment” at “an event marking the 8th anniversary” of the San Francisco-area strip club.
Jameson isn’t the first in the business to praise Romney: Ron Jeremy recently called Romney “a good man” and “such an amazing father.”
Do not piss Roger Pion off.
Just let him smoke his weed in peace.