iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
18,956 Blog Posts

Bear Brokers Milking JP Morgan

[[JPM]] is busting the bank to retain top producers at [[BSC]], while telling the pikers to go fuck themselves and run, not walk, to Merrill.

For brokers generating over $500,000 in revenue, Dimon and Co. will pay them a 100% up front bonus, which includes 25% of JP Morgan stock. And, those lucky fuckers will get additional bonuses of 50% cash and 50% stock, based upon production numbers, over the next three years.

For lesser producers, in the $250k-500k bracket, they will receive a 50% bonus, split evenly between cash and stock.

For losers making less than $250k, they get nothing. Moreover, they probably get to hand in their books, to bigger producing brokers, and look for a new job.

Essentially, a broker making $1 million in gross commissions stands to make over $4 million in bonuses, over the next three years. Anyone in the industry knows that is an incredible deal, for basically doing nothing but go to work.

For JP Morgan: I believe it is a terrible deal, as they try to fend off shark-like recruiters from taking Bear Stearns’ best brokers.

Basically, JPM is taking on one fuck of a money loser.

NOTE: One of my recruiter friends said other firms are willing to payout more than 200% in upfront bonuses, for top producing Bear brokers. This should be interesting.


UPDATE:

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Late Night Stupidity

China Life [[LFC]] takes the wonderful premiums from their core business and invests them in the stock market. Can you say “moral hazard”?

With the Shanghai down more than 30%, year to date, something tells me the fuckers from LFC have some rough sledding ahead.

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You’re All Cowards

It’s amusing to know most of my readers are bears. Every time the market gaps higher, you fuckers vanish, like cockroaches in light, taking your ignorant comments with you.

I’ll have you know, “The Fly” is a veteran at this game. I don’t shake and I do not waiver.

I will also have you know, [[LEH]] is a short sellers ATM machine. Please do not tell the fuckers from Lehman the market has bottomed.

All day, “The Fly” was getting his face punched in by Mr. Monsanto, bloodying up my [[MON]] short and [[SMN]] long. For the day, I was down more than 2.5%—effectively deballing my bountiful month to date returns.

Right now, everyone is declaring inflation dead, due to “tight monetary policy.” Ha!

This is most amusing. It is even more amusing to see the market price in another 50 bps cut.

Hey asshole, quit being a pussy and get long gold, via [[DGP]], short the dollar, via [[UDN]] and short the banks, via [[SKF]].

Learn at your own pace.

UPDATE: Mish on Lehman.

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Don’t Forget to Dress Your Window

Market psychology is very fragile right now.

On one hand, my “intelligent” bearish friends are scared shitless of a “technical breakout,” which can send the Dow up another 200-300 points. On the other, my bullish friends are booking profits here, afraid to ride long into earnings season.

One reasonable explanation for the recent rally is end of quarter window dressing. Fund managers are drinking the bottom kool-aid, putting cash to work at a frantic pace, in order to polish up their marketing material.

Expect the winners to keep winning, while the losers do nothing.

Additionally, it seems everyone has anointed the demise of [[BSC]] as the seminal moment which will mark the bottom for all eternity, similar to the Long Term Capital collapse.

This, as you know, is absurd. The problems we face today are far more systemic and will be spearheaded by a recession.

My bets are on Joey Bag-o-Donuts’ inability to buy a 3rd plasma tv, not a total collapse of the banking system—resulting in a market crash. That’s stupid.

I accept the fact that the government will backstop the banks and keep them afloat. However, they cannot make people shop at [[BBY]] or buy houses from [[HOV]].

To hedge against my short selling stupidity, I’ve been buying [[DGP]] and [[EWH]].

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By the Way

Consumer confidence fell the most since Nixon. According to Case-Shiller, home prices plunged by 10.7%. A new record. Congrats Mr. Hovnanian.

And, to top the shitsicle off, the dollar has fallen the most in two weeks, versus the euro.

Cognizant that money managers will paint the tape this week, for brochure purposes, I will buy more gold, via [[DGP]], in order to hedge against my [[SMN]] position.

Remember, SMN has several gold stocks in its holdings. If commodity related names melt up into Friday, DGP will offset my SMN losses quite efficiently.

Also, keep your eye on [[FXY]]. Should the dollar continue to weaken versus the yen, this rally will end quicker than a gay parade in the middle of Tehran.

Top pick: DGP

UPDATE: Due to my high tolerance for pain, I will not cover my [[MON]] short. Instead, I will let the dust settle, then short more. The nerve I have!

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This Doesn’t Count

Damn you Mr. Monsanto and your evil seeds. Those fuckers have been poisoning people for a hundred years; but today they had to reaffirm guidance. Where’s the luck in that?

None, I tell you. “The Fly” does not like Mr. [[MON]] and his fucking seeds.

Like I said yesterday, when in doubt, short [[LEH]].

This is a perfect consolidation day for the bulls. The sell off is orderly and no real damage has been afflicted to key stocks or sectors. The banks are pulling back from a terrific run, and to fill their place; ag stocks are ripping higher today.

I must say, this is an impressive tape.

However, I just can’t shake the voices in my head, telling me: “yo, asshole, psst wake up. It’s all bullshit.”

So, I will slavishly buy more [[SKF]], [[SRS]] and even [[SMN]], while throwing seeds at my fucking trader/servant.

Keep in mind, down 50 doesn’t mean jack-shit. In order to regain control, the bears need to send the Dow lower by 200. Frankly, I do not see that happening today.

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I’m Too Busy to Lose Money

Everyone is piling into homies, financial and tech. The credit crisis has ended and investors are putting cash to work.

The only problem: people are losing their fucking jobs.

Don’t take your eyes off the employment picture son, else you will end up being foreclosed on. An ironic twist of irony, indeed.

So, with everything gapping higher, I like my chances going short here. Look for max pain, for the shorts, at around 12,800. I will be very aggressive with my downside bets, up at those levels.

During the day, I had some “space alien magician” buys and shorts, not worthy of repeating.

Just be at ease knowing, “The Fly” is smarter than you and will end up making far more in this market, than most of you combined.

Finally, going short ag stocks here may work, even in an up tape. Much of the bull case here is deflating commodities, while inflating banks. So, I can see a scenario where stocks like [[POT]] and [[MON]] trade lower, despite the market melting up.

NOTE: Fuck everyone on CNBC who said the word “bottom” today.

NOTE II: I love this post, for a multitude of reasons—particularly the hastily manufactured photoshop. Not too much different than the “hastily” priced [[BSC]] deal.

Holy Shit Warning: VLO guides Q1 EPS $0.10-0.35 vs $0.91 First Call consensus

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