INITIATE ALGORITHMIC CRASH SEQUENCE

I watched you smug bastards on the teevee declare “the bottom is in” to “head back into the shark infested waters” because the sharks like people who bought dips. Had I taken your advice, I’d be strewn across the pavement with vultures picking away at my carcass.

It’s not that simple. Bottoming out is a process and to buy this afternoon was the equivalent of buying into an 800 point melt up. No thanks.

Now we descend into hell because that’s where China resides. We gave up our country a long time ago and transferred it to China. We enjoyed the frugality of cheap labor and goods. Now that cost savings will wreak havoc upon this nation for generations to come.

But don’t worry. The central bankers are owned, lock, stock and barrel. The syndicate of global oligarchs will pressure them to act, in order to reflate things again. You’ll have another shot at liquidating at reasonable levels, another shot at “playing the bounce”–because that’s what we are: “players” in a sordid game.

We’ve replaced human beings (cost savings) with the ability to think and react rationally to outsized moves for computers, prone to break and bust loose Armageddon on the capital markets every 5 years or so. We are reaping the seeds that we’ve sowed. I know this sounds awfully dramatic and the markets aren’t even down 15% from their highs. But we have 19 trillion in debt and the majority of our industrial output is done outside of our borders, exposed to fucked currency moves and the caprices of maniacal governments.

Regarding the markets: look towards China and Hong Kong this evening for signs of encouragement and get those handy-dandy (extra Blue’s Clues) buylists ready for a possible opening cascade tomorrow morning.

I closed the session with over 60% cash and I still got my brains blown out.

Looking at this rally off the lows, I am disgusted with myself. I prepared for this very moment, a buy the dip scenario of epic proportions, gap down of largess magnitude and I did nothing. Truth be told, I tried to execute a few orders, but my limits didn’t hit. I missed at least 10 points in NFLX, PANW and 10%+ in CYBR, AAPL, TQQQ, just to name a few.

Naturally, now I feel like a complete fool, ashamed to have missed out on this run and do not want to chase the rally, out of double fear for being wrong again.

This is the battered wife syndrome. Also, I am a dumbass deer under the scope of headlights, watching the cool cars pass by, filled with drunkard passengers popping champagne corks into the faces of onlookers.

Lucky for me, I’m not a human, but a deer, so they’re ignoring me for the moment. Maybe I’ll venture out into the middle of the road to get a better look.

Apparently Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, emailed Jim Cramer today and told him Apple was doing well and that iPhone sales were not slowing. This had a profound effect on the shares of Apple, propelling that stock into the black. Lots of stocks are going green now and the mood appears to be turning positive.

Do I have the slightest fucking idea if this rally will hold? The fuck should I know. Crazy people are whip-sawing this tape, reducing the layman trader into clown-dust. My gut tells me this Apple news is enough to start a rally. The cynic in me says “we’re just gonna sell this fucker into the bell and the world is going to end in Asian tonight.”

I tend to brood, really badly, when things get bad. Sometimes I feel I was born to preside over the fall of man, to become a leader during the apocalypse, tribal and wearer of the African Jungle Mask. So pardon me when I say, “I’ll be eating a few sandwiches while you chase this rally.”

I am exploring the possibility of putting some of my own money to work in calls here and the spreads are fucking insane. Every time I seem to muster up the courage to consider buying, the market takes another leg lower.

Let’s try to analyze what will happen over the next 24 hours.

Will China respond to this drop with stimulus?

Maybe.

I don’t think they will lower rates, since that would weaken their piece of shit currency. Do you see the box those dog-eaters have placed themselves in? There is a parable tucked away there, somewhere. Through their greed and avarice to outstrip ancient enemies, like Japan, they’ve dug their own grave. Stupid Hansel and Gretel motherfuckers, with chocolate all of their faces.

Moving on. Will our Fed respond?

Janet Yellen is a moron, obviously.

It’s entirely possible that nothing happens at all, as policy makers believe, through hubris, that this dip will fix itself and the market will recover.

Perhaps.

I guess it comes down to valuation. Are we cheap?

The market isn’t expensive at all. However, Fred Wilson’s portfolio of privately held pieces of shit are heinously overvalued. If we are to truly bottom, valuation wise, we need a tidal wave of pain to hit the shores of egregious start-ups, whose valuations have been blown out of proportion by cocaine addled VC managers. Guess what, fucked face? The public markets aren’t interested in your wares. As such, Uber should take $20 billion off its privately held cap, and Snap Chat should simply go away.

The market is now teetering, on the brink of heading back towards the -500+ mark, thanks to margin selling and early dip buyers tossing in the towel. I’d be hard pressed to believe we will rally into the bell, considering how this decline was born in Asia. We need to see China do something before getting the “all is a go” signal. The only problem with that, truth be told, is the Chinese are rank amateurs who’d never reverse a decision, publicly, in order to not “lose face”.

95% of stocks are lower today. The Dow opened down over 1,000 points and CELG was down 21%, full retard style. Let’s be clear about what this is: a motherfucking crash. It’s entirely possible that the market will bottom now and great gains will be had for the remainder of the week. It’s also possible that we rally, drop, rally and then motherfucking implode by the bell–due to traders’ fear of being exposed during Chinese spastic trade tonight.

How comfortable will you feel exposed into Chinese’d trade tonight?

The truth is, the biggest money made during tapes like this is when fear is cast aside and action is taken. When the fear of missing out outstrips the fear of losing money, then this market will bottom.

I am tempted to nibble here, just in case the market stops going lower and champagne corks start popping off in the face of Rickard Santelli again.

Nothing is remotely funny about this sordid drop. I am receiving all sorts of emails, phone calls, and texted messages, all the while Rickard Santelli circle jerks, live on CNBC, relishing in the misery of others.

As I write this, the NASDAQ is off by 5%. There isn’t a rationale that I can offer you to jump into the fray here. Of course this is overdone. Naturally, the market is overshooting to the downside. Panics have always been built on this sort of stuff, wrecked emotions, leading to exaggerated moves. But the money lost is real. I do not like to see anyone lose money, truth be told.

For me, it’s too early to say the market has bottomed and that this flush out is done. Whose to say this market is done being clown-raped?

DO NOT place market orders here, just limits. If you’re bottom fishing, stay away from oil, opt for companies who make the bulk of their money here, in the good old MERICA.

When the pendulum swings, we are going to enjoy the greatest rally of your lives. But a lot of damage has been done, which is why I am reticent to step in here, so early in the morning. Margin calls and forced liquidations will be occurring all day long.

The greatest fuckery of all fuckeries is upon you. Brace yourselves.

First let me tell you how I’ve been preparing for this horrendous tape. I’ve spent all weekend trying to determine whether I prefer almond stuffed olives in my dirty martinis or jalapeño. I do appreciate a certain latin flair commingled into my alcohol consumption, every once in a while. After that, I ventured outside of my residence to purchase new areas rugs, art work, and leather bounded books for my library. It was hard work but somebody had to do it.

Bear in mind, the vast majority of my liquid assets are in my checking account, tucked neatly and far away from the stocked market. Granted, I partake in speculation and have significant funds invested. But I am a manager of other people’s assets. To toss my earnings back into the wild flames of the market would be equal to wanton gambling and depravity. These are important matters that you need to address, if you intend to last in this business.

Regarding the market: there are wild currency gyrations fucking with sentiment. The S African rand is down more than 3%, and a wide array of meaningless dog-eating asian countries are having their wigs pushed back. It’s important that you understand China is to blame for everything, for they are the evil doers of our time. God willing, President Donald Trump will make quick work of them and park the USS Ronald “give me your fucking jellied beans” Reagan in the Port of Beijing.

I am expecting European markets to drop by 2-5% today, surprising all of you clown-loving rape victims with expeditious viscosity. You should also expect a severe US open, which may in fact wipe out the last of the canaille and offer a sublime buy the dip scenario for the initiated, men of cloth and substance with significant cash on the sidelines.

Client discussions have gone swimmingly. We discussed the latest in politics over cigars and pipes, then parlayed into the matter of having over 50% cash in government money market accounts. I laid out a fairly straight forward plan to “buy the blood” and to “skull rape” all of the “fuckheads who intend to bet against me.”

I have a buy list located inside of the confines of Exodus. I WILL DRINK YOUR MARGIN CALLS.

Good night and God speed.

My detailed gameplan to play the coming bounce is up in Exodus, exclusive for the top hatted gents inside of my smokey and wood paneled blog of extreme decadence and decorum (members only). Feel free to have a brandy while you peruse my thoughts.

I am quite busy right now, so the free, blood-sucking, portion of iBankCoin will have to be serviced later on tonight. In the meantime, I’ve selected some delightful music for you to enjoy with your families.

One of the all-time classics, starring Al Pacino and Keanu Reeves.

This is a tale about the devil, who takes up the avocation as a high powered NYC lawyer (what other job would the devil take?), in order to create hell on earth. You know, set free all of the rapists and murderers his firm could muster, just like in real life.

I felt, considering the past week’s market action, this scene would be apropos.

Enjoy.

Prepare to overshoot to the downside.

The fundamentals do not matter now, only emotion and forced selling by catamites who are now below maintenance. I did not buy today because I do not gamble. “The Fly” bets on sure things and partakes in ideas emanating from the stock gods, found inside and around his urinal shadows.

This is the worst two day drop since 2008. We are now off by more than 10%, marking an official correction, first time since 2011. More than 66% of stocks are down 10% or more and 25% are off by 20%, aka bear market territory.

The fears of China slowing are feeding upon itself and is causing people to reexamine everything. Bear in mind, this entire run higher has been based upon global growth. The civilized world has been stymied for quite some time and we’ve been relying upon savages in the far east to buy our wares.

Bottom line: we plunge lower, through the fucking floor boards, on Monday. Asian markets will get clobbered and disappear into thin air, as if they never existed. This is a very unique and special situation. I truly want you, as a novice investor, to appreciate the novela styled drama of all this. Take it in and learn from your idiotic mistakes.

As an aside, “The Fly” has been in a 50% (now 60%+) cash position for almost two weeks, having sold his largest position in GG yesterday. I stand before you a mountain amongst a field of pebbles. I endeavor to buy all of the blood and opportunistically bid for quality names, which I will outline in a special weekend blog inside Exodus this weekend, into the teeth of this monumental and memorable market calamity.

Good day and God speed.