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The Month of August is the Month of the Ark

noah

I’m taking a break from the news today, amidst heinous household events that have conspired against me. I’ll be getting my Peter Jennings on again on Sunday. In case you’re unfamiliar with seasonal trends, the month of August is a great one for passengers of the USS Ark and persons willingly holed up under the numerous protections of the gold mine.

Have a look for yourself.

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Specific to TLT, that gains are often bountiful and in an obsequious manner.

TLT

I’ve never been known to clamour for ape-raping markets, the sort of sordid affair that sends men off balconies and onto closed manholes below. Until now!

The ark floats.

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PUBLIC REMINDER: Winship Active and Persistent in Exodus/12631 Trading Room

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In case you missed the announcement, the hallowed halls of 12631 has merged with the sacred domain of Exodus, giving our members a ridiculous and gracious edge in the fight against the evil forces trying to sack our coin. Both services are now provided for the cost of one, so be sure to sign up and envelope yourselves in the winship of these two superior financial offerings.

Aside from screaming fire in a crowded room here, inside Exodus I am somewhat pragmatic and I manage a portfolio of GARP stocks that I update twice per annum. It is up more than 12% over the past month. For the new trading room aka 12631, which I am now taking an active role in, I offer five new features.

1. Top long
2. Top short
3. Top high Risk Pick
4. Tactical Pick
5. Exodus Pick

Here, take a look.

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Today I booked the gain in X. The stock is higher by more than 70% since I added it to the GARP index and up 27% since I featured it in my high risk pick in 12631. It will remain, however, a directional long in the GARP index, as it is only updated twice per annum.

I’ll be replacing X and possibly adding a tactical position this weekend.

Public service announcement is now over.

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Checking in From a Custom Designed Hell

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Hello there lads from the internets. I write to you from the confines of the auto dealership. My vehicle is in ruins. It just decided to break on me, out from the blue. In addition to that, my central cooling system has imploded. Warmer climes preside over House Fly. Good thing I have two independent systems to comfort me in the event of breakage. Lastly, I’ve been blessed with yet another pinhole leak in my copper fittings, located in my ceiling. All of these blessings can only mean one thing: a great doom and pox awaits you in the immediate term.

I have a rich history with this planet and when celestial beings work in tandem against me, the universe has always offered me great big karmic reversals, propelling me to new highs, in order to restore balance to our dimension.

What do I mean?

I will tell you exactly what I mean.

Utilities are up 27% for the year.image

Fuck Google, Apple and Amazon combined. That’s right, I said it. I’m not a fan of the market, as you can tell by my marauding swag. The only thing that I own is this ark aka TLT. Since my position is one of the bearish varietal, coupled with the inexorable facts that horrible crimes are being committed against me today, I can only presume 10,000 blessings of winship is just around the bend.

I’d wish you good luck, but you wouldn’t know what to do with it if you had it.

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ATTENTION CHINESE: Take Control of Your Internets; $BIDU Warns and Cites ‘Artificial Intelligence’ as Next Phase of the Internet

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It must be hard to run an internet company in a country that fucking BANS opinion. To reward the Chinese for their grave human rights misgivings, we should export more intellectual property and American jobs.

BIDU warned and offered the plebs reading their statement a small glimpse into the Chinese future. Hint: it doesn’t include human beings.

“The challenges Baidu faced in the second quarter served as a healthy reminder to stay focused on the key drivers of growth, sustainability and leadership: delivering the best user experience and staying at the forefront of technology,” said Robin Li, Chairman and CEO of Baidu. “As we enter the next chapter of the Internet, led by artificial intelligence, Baidu has never been better positioned to serve our users and work with our customers and partners, and change the world through technology.”

“While we experienced a tough second quarter, our value proposition to our users remains solid,” said Jennifer Li, CFO of Baidu. “Delivering a superior user experience and building a trusted platform are the pillars that will drive our long term sustainability.”

  • Reports Q2 (Jun) earnings of $1.22 per share, in-line with the Capital IQ Consensus of $1.22; rev +10% to $2.75 bln vs. $2.74 bln consenus.
  • Preannounced: Lowered Q2 rev to $2.807-2.823 bln from $3.12-3.19 bln on June 13
    • Mobile search monthly active users (MAUs) were 667 million for the month of June 2016, an increase of 6% year-over-year Mobile maps MAUs were 343 million for the month of June 2016, an increase of 13% year-over-year Gross merchandise value (GMV) for Transaction Services totaled RMB18.0 billion ($2.7 billion) for the second quarter of 2016, an increase of 166% year-over-year.
  • Co issues downside guidance for Q3, sees Q3 revs of $2.714-2.796 bln vs. $2.97 bln Capital IQ Consensus Estimate.

The stock is barely down, off by 1.5%.

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Analyst Shower $GOOGL With Affectionate Praise Following a Sublime Earnings Report

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Wall Steet loves these GOOGL earnings, handily beating estimates and guiding higher for next quarter.

Look at these numbers, a work of art and beauty.

 

Alphabet beats by $0.38, beats on revs  (745.91 +4.14)
  • Reports Q2 (Jun) earnings of $8.42 per share, $0.38 better than the Capital IQ Consensus of $8.04; revenues rose 21.3% year/year to $21.5 bln vs the $20.77 bln Capital IQ Consensus.
  • Non-GAAP Operating Margin 35% compared to 34% in Q1
  • Cost of revenues as a % 38% compared to 37% in prior year
  • CapEx $2.123 bln compared to $2.515 bln in prior year period.
  • Free Cash Flow $6.997 bln compared to $4.581 bln in prior year.
  • Other Bets revenue $185 mln compared to $74 mln in prior year; Operating Loss $859 mln compared to $660 mln in prior year.
  • Aggregate Paid Clicks Q2 +29%;-Q1 +29%;Q4 +31%; Q3 +23%.
    • Paid Clicks on Google websites- Q2 +37%;Q1 +38%; Q4 +40%; Q3 +35%.
    • Paid clicks on member sites- Q2 0%;Q1 +2%; Q4 +2%; Q3 -5%.
  • Aggregate cost per click- Q2 -7%; Q1 -9%; Q4 -13%; Q3 -11%
    • CPC on Google sites- Q2 -9%;Q1 -12%; Q4 -16%; Q3 -16%.
    • CPC on member sites- Q1 -8%; -8%; Q4 -8%; Q3 -4%.

Two super gay analysts weigh in on a CNBC ‘exclusive’ interview.

 

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$AMZN Beats Estimates, Offers Hilarious Guidance

Amazon.com President, CEO and Chairman Bezos  laughs as he answers a question at the Consumer Reports headquarters in Yonkers

When you literally rule America with an iron fist and control Xmas, you can do and say whatever the fuck you want.

Amazon just crushed numbers and gave guidance that can only be construed as #YOLO.

Amazon sees Q3 operating income of $50-650 million mln vs ~$800 mln estimate; revs $31.0-33.5 billion bln vs $31.7 bln consensus

Amazon Q2 operating income $1.3 bln vs. $375-975 mln guidance and $900 mln estiamte; rev $30.4 bln vs. $28-30.5 bln guidance and $29.6 bln CIQ Consensus.

Any other company publishes this shit and the stock gets raped for 30% in the after hours.

AMZN is higher by 2%.

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Markets Shrug Off Headwinds, Sail into the Sunset at Record Highs

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This is a repeating theme. No matter how bad oil looks or the data out of China gets, there will always be robots out there buying XOM and CAT, especially since those are Dow 30 components. Both Italy and Spain dropped like fucking anvils, off by 2%. Yet, here we are now and stocks closed out the day higher, +5 on the SPY and +15 on the NASDAQ.

Oil has been tossed into the sewers, off by 14% since last month–but no one cares.

Fed interested in hiking rates?

No one gives a shit.

If you stand back and think about all of these horrible things, you’ll never invest a single penny in the market. The bull case for stocks, especially since 2009, is and will continue to be succored by the fact that ‘there’s nowhere else to put money.’ What a wonderfully monstrous reason to invest earned wages into markets. A fucking casino.

Speaking of which, revenues in Macau might’ve bottomed. Keep an eye out for those WYNN numbers to confirm.

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Broke Ass Mountain: American Home Ownership Drops to 1965 Levels

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What sort of fucking recovery is this? How can the market be at new, fresh, record highs, but home ownership sucking the dick off 1965 levels, a time and place that was both reprehensible and disgusting in American history?

For Q2, ownership dropped to 62.9%, matching levels not seen since 1965. When the economy was running hot and the housing boom was upon us, ownership was at 69.2%.

The reason for this fuckery?

Millennials.

Apparently, we are hamstrung by a generation of fucktards who don’t invest in stocks, buy homes, deodorant, or even have jobs. They just like to ‘feel the BERN’ and walk around all day in Donald Trump masks, texting on their Obama phones.

“While the millennial homeownership rate continues to decline, it’s important to note that the decrease could be just as likely due to new renter household formation as it is their ability to buy homes,” wrote Ralph McLaughlin, chief economist at Trulia. “Certainly low inventory and affordability isn’t helping their efforts to own, but moving out of their parents’ basement and into a rental unit is also a good sign for the housing market.”

“Broadly speaking, the falling homeownership rate is a sign that renting isn’t only for those just starting out or making a transition, but is becoming an increasingly viable longer-term option for many households,” noted Svenja Gudell, chief economist at Zillow. “It also means incomes are not yet rising quickly enough to broadly support new homeownership, and that inventory remains too tight to allow for meaningful access to affordable housing.”

The tight supply of homes for sale, combined with higher home prices, may have been behind the Federal Reserve’s silent warning in its latest statement Wednesday. It removed a line from its previous statement, which said, “The housing sector has continued to improve.”

What ever happened to the men who aspired to become monied property owners, builders of wealth and prosperity?

We’re fucked.

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Art Cashin: You Should Worry About Oil

Cashin

In spite of what the Commodity King said earlier today, the iced cube marinator in Chief, Art Cashin, believes you should be exceedingly wary about the prospects for crude oil, as it delves lower on a daily basis.

The truth is, as you can see by the market rallying, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT, ARTHUR.

Back to your regularly scheduled cocaine rally, ya’ll.

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