First off, it’s important to remember that the 4th of July is a holiday designed for bomb throwing trash. With that in mind, you’d be wise to deter any and all people from wanting to visit you on this indecorous day. Henceforth, I will teach you how this is to be accomplished.
Shop at your local discount store for hotted dogs. If you can grab them in the 99 cents store, fantastic. Be sure to BBQ them to a nice smokey char and serve them with gobs of generic mustard. Really layer it on thick. It’s rude to assume everyone would like generic mustard on their hotted dogs. Therefore, that’s exactly what you’ll do.
Announce to your guests, ‘my refrigerator is on the fritz’, to explain why your beer is so damned warm. You’ll try to succor your guests by providing a singular styrofoam coolers, but it’ll have an inadequate amount of ice in it. Plus, there will be a small hole on the bottom of it that will cause the ice to melt at twice the rate (trust me, I know).
Don’t bother visiting Whole Foods for the beer stock. Play the dietician and place yourself on the moral high ground, towering above your slobbish guests, by serving lite gluten free IPA, which actually tastes like someone mashed up a pined cone, mixed it up with some rubbing alcohol, then tossed into a really cool bottle and sold it for $20 per 8oz.
While your guests attempt to enjoy the swill, you will, repeatedly, tell them the virtues of a gluten free diet and how wheat gives kids cancer. This will make them feel like baby killers, bad parents, and like morons, generally speaking.
The hotted dogs will be served a little too hot, dripping with hot mustard, on a gluten free bun — hard as a hand grenade. You might as well substitute it with two pieces of cardboard, in the event you run out. They will taste dreadful, which is the point.
Side dishes include coled slaw, served hot with cold mayo, potato salad mixed with salsa and corn (mexican style), and potato chips, gluten free of course — and stale. Let the bad ‘air out’ for a few days prior to the event. Be sure the chips are salt free too — because salt causes heart attacks and you’ll have none of that at your fucking party.
Also, entertain your guests, especially the out of shape ones. Offer an enormous amount of helpful health tips — and workout routines. They’ll love that, as the generic mustard drips from their chin and into their lukewarm cup filled with pined cone tasting swill.
With regards to music, declare punk rock and ‘hair rock’ to be the predominant form of “Americana” — blasting the very worst of the hits from the 1980’s. You must play lots of KISS. The ladies go nuts for those guys.
Inside of 1hr, your guests will begin to become irritated, so you’ll need to increase that discomfort with a little outside assistance.
Before inviting your guests, be sure to sprinkle your lawn with sugar and have a kiddie pool filled with water, just to the side of your soiree. By dusk, your lawn will be festooned with swarms of mosquitos, literally eating your guests alive. Suddenly, your central cooling system will be on the ‘fritz’ too — transforming the the inside of your house into a boiling hell-pit. The walls will be dripping with agony.
Since outside will be morbidly uncomfortable, a cartoonish display of nature having its way with your 4th of Joolie bash, coupled with the sweltering heat inside your wonderful and inviting home — causing some to feel nauseous, you will have no choice but to call it a night — pleading with your guests for their forgiveness, as a set of ‘black swan’ events beset you on such a joyous day of fired crackers, pomp and lots of circumstance.
As they get into their expensive cars, bidding you farewell, some cantankerous teenagers will begin firing bottle rockets at your direction, expediting the departure by a factor of 10.
You will tip your hat to the fine young lads from across the street and declare the party over.
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