Where’s My Robe?

I am sure many of you bearish type were doing lines of blow off of your keyboards this morning, as the market swan dived. Much to your chagrin, there are strange, yet fascinating forces at hand, deliberately making stocks go higher. Don’t you just love those guys?

Due to your abject stupidity, you will blame these mysterious/dubious people when your bullshit 5 figure online brokerage account is at zero, crying “No fair. The Gov’t is a scam.” Then, you will develop an absurd case of tourettes, walk around the shopping mall wearing hat made from foil; and, finally, you will die with grotesque deformities of the face and  hands.

As for me, I’ve been on a mission (from the Gods) to bank as much coin possible, prior to the world ending. This way, when we are all dead and shit, I will be richer than you fuckers in the after life. After all, that’s what it’s all about, right?

With my money, I’ve been buying [[ROM]] , The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , [[TBT]] and National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] . I believe the market is 1,000 points cheap and will use my cash horde to buy stocks, whenever moronic money managers are forced to give them away.

Seriously, both National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] are homeless man cheap. There are others too, like Freeport-McMoRan Copper & Gold Inc. [[FCX]] , United States Steel Corporation [[X]] , Southern Copper Corporation (USA) [[PCU]] , Exxon Mobil Corporation [[XOM]] and Ultra Petroleum Corp. [[UPL]] . However, for some reason, I find my self gravitated, mind you, to just a few names. With all of the volatility— it gives me peace of mind to only have to worry about a few names. If they go down, I nibble, like a small rat inside of a box made from sugar.

In other words, trade small and keep buying as these fuckers trade down. When the market turns, you will be rewarded for your space alien magician-like position management.

This is a must read. Hat tip Howard

So … I’ve been buying American stocks. This is my personal account I’m talking about, in which I previously owned nothing but United States government bonds. (This description leaves aside my Berkshire Hathaway holdings, which are all committed to philanthropy.) If prices keep looking attractive, my non-Berkshire net worth will soon be 100 percent in United States equities.

Oil has bottomed.

Carry on, young pleb, carry on.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unO6cjgf-Do 450 300]

As you know, “The Fly” is establishing a base camp in the mountains, before snow fall. He will prepare his newly polished army of savage/bullish dip buyers to assault the idiotic bears, with great vigor.

We will rejoice in our enemies blood, while some of our “rougher type” eat the livers of those who bet against us.

First, I will set my armies of vengeance upon those who sell short The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and [[UYG]] . With some smaller forces, we will take back [[M]] and General Electric Company [[GE]] , while annihilating those who are fucking up the price action in The Procter & Gamble Company [[PG]] and Citigroup Inc. [[C]] . And, don’t forget to pillage the coffin stuffers who hide in treasuries, via getting long [[TBT]]

All in all, General Fly aka Senior Tropicana is punching out the adams apples of retarded assclowns and third rate money managers/bloggers.

Be well.

NOTE: Shocker. “The Fly” wins again.

The market has had an insidious effect on some brokers, mind you.

Let this be a warning to all you homo bloggers.

We are bottoming somewhere around these levels. I can feel it in my fucking bones.

The VIX is at egregious levels. People are so depressed, they are lining up to kill themselves via howitzer. Long term bears, like Mr. Big Picture (who called the bottom in 2002), is now going long. Hedge funds are closing up shop, big and small. Investors are ignoring fundamentals and, instead, are embracing fear.

Without a doubt, we are in the midst of the most troubling times this country has ever faced, at least financially. So, do not go balls to the wall long, without having cash reserves. At the present, I have a 45% cash position and will hold 25%, no matter what, unless we dive to 7,500.

Inflation feels good. Deflation feels bad. I learned that shit in caveman school.

Eventually, the market will get back to normal and you will regret not nibbling, like a small rat inside a cave made from chocolate, down at these levels.

As you already know, via my idiotic “Twitter page,”(do not dare try to follow me), I called the bottom. Because of this, I am having my people set up an “exclusive interview” on CNBC. While on the show, I will discuss all sorts of shit, like why Bill Miller deserves the electric chair and how Warren Buffett is, in fact, a space alien magician. But, we knew that already; so it won’t be “breaking news,” per se.

Seriously, I have been buying 500 share blocks of National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] all day. I have refrained from buying anymore [[UYG]] . I have a lot of cash and will use it to make purchases, as moronic hedge fund managers get blown out.

In short, let’s rejoice and suckle from the great whore and honor the “King of Equities,” aka “The Fly,” for calling and nailing, as a point in fact, the ever elusive bottom.

NOTE: Should the market go down again, I will call another bottom. No worries.

UPDATE: I bought 25,000 [[UYG]] @ $9.55. I constantly change my mind, always.

SPECIAL EMERGENCY UPDATE: I NAILED THE BOTTOM. Someone please schedule my CNBC interview. “Famed internet blogger calls the bottom.”

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This is a wonderful business. I get to witness a market crash just about every day now. Here I am trying to bottom fish, showing a modicum of confidence in this wretched system and BAM: off with my mustache.

For me, the conundrum is the fact that valuations are so cheap. We are in crash mode here and people don’t give a fuck that Intel Corporation [[INTC]] or Google Inc. [[GOOG]] are as cheap as a Bronx hooker.

Every asshole I know, including the strange men on the t.v., say “we need to retest the intraday lows of last Friday.” Fuck you sideways.

Now that everyone is saying it, of course it has to be done! It’s a self fulfilling prophecy.

I am just pissed off because I’ve been wrong buying the dips. I should have been chasing the momentum down. However, again, the valuations are just absurd. I am very, very bitter.

Where’s oil going? Does anyone even need oil rigs anymore?

Transocean Inc. [[RIG]] and National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] are going to have to lay down their rigs and let them rust in the mud. Homeless men will live in them and use them as urinals.

It could be worse. I could be fully invested.

I was going to buy more [[UYG]] at $9. Fuck that. The way this market is trading, I’ll be able to step in at $2, today.

I’m going for a walk.

UPDATE: Holy shit in a bonfire. WE’VE BOTTOMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NOTE: I will continuously say “WE’VE BOTTOMED,’ since I will eventually be right. After nailing the bottom, “The Fly” will go on the teevee and tell people how smart he is, and shit like that. I will go on the teevee with my white flowing robe, leather sandals and have my trader/servant carry “THE iBANKCOIN STANDARD” onto the CNBC set. It will be quite the scene.

I bet you faggots were all worried and shit about some sort of apocalyptic crash today. You were sitting on your bullshit couch, watching your bullshit t.v., saying “OMG, I am afraid to even think about looking at the market tomorrow, it’s going to be a horror show.” While this may still turn out to be true, you have nothing to fear but fear itself, when it comes to the market.

The market is not a normal place to invest right now. There are so many hedge fund managers (I chuckle, not laugh, when I write this) going out of business, via prime brokerage seizures, it’s quite the midnight laugher. As for me, Mrs. Fly wants no part of this ‘idiotic stock market.’ She hates it. Actually, I think she thinks I am bullshitting when I say “Hey Hon, the market crashed again, what’s for dinner?”

As an aside, this morning I stepped in and bought a decent amount of [[UYG]] . Much to my chagrin, I’m already down. However, I am going to buy in increments. I will buy up to 300,000 shares. And, I will buy 100,000, mind you, on every point down. In other words, I do not think it will break $8. Hence, I am starting to buy here.

As for my other unhealthy/obsessive buys of National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] and The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , I cannot let them go. I will buy them, if I might be so bold, whenever the fuck I feel like it, quite frankly, as opposed to being entirely “unfrank” in this discussion.

In closing, quit being such a pussy, grab your balls, and start nibbling, like a small rat inside of a cave made from corn.

Top picks: [[TBT]] , National-Oilwell Varco, Inc. [[NOV]] , The Mosaic Company [[MOS]] , [[UYG]]