iBankCoin
18 years in Wall Street, left after finding out it was all horseshit. Founder/ Master and Commander: iBankCoin, finance news and commentary from the future.
Joined Nov 10, 2007
19,613 Blog Posts

“The Fly” Shall Rise Again

My new occupation is also my destiny — to become a gentleman southerner of extreme qualities. This summer, amidst the stifling heat and the hazy pollen produced by the magnolia trees of the Deep South, Le Fly shall step into these once occupied territories and call them his own. Like the great General Tecumseh Sherman, I shall conquer the south and teach my neighbors to behave nicely, otherwise feel the backend of my sword — and I will also burn down their homes and businesses.

Ever since young, I was destined to be a Southern Man — white suite, handlebar mustache, an easy demeanor, and a sweet accent — both thick and delicious like a jar of black strapped molasses tipped over into a plate filled with corned bread.

Once I establish my plantation and take my position amongst southern society, I will treat all yankees as northern aggressors, behave unkind to them for destroying the crops of my forefathers, and for soiling the south with their very liberal digressions. Amidst the confusion and mystery of my sudden existence upon those lands, Le Fly will call himself “Colonel Fly of the 33rd Brigade” and host grandiose parties, serving the finest collard greens, fried chicken, and copious amount of lemonade — south of the Mason-Dixon. I shall sit on my porch, rocking back and forth, contemplating the sins and the plight of my forefathers — destroyed by great and monstrous armies who set fire to churches and schools. As I smoke my pipe and tip my hat to my wonderful neighbors, I will thank the lord for the gifts bestowed upon me and pray that I have the strength to defeat my new enemies — hordes of northern families relocating and occupying the south — expressly degrading a once proud land — steeped in rich and saccharine traditions.

I will tell these people: “Even though you walk upon these lands — you shall never be accepted, no different than a mosquito is accepted at a swimming hole, or a fly at a cookout.”

I bid thee a mighty fine weekend.

If you enjoy the content at iBankCoin, please follow us on Twitter

15 comments

  1. monkeybot

    Colonel Angus Comes Home – SNL Walken (2003)

    https://youtu.be/3l2oi-X8P38

    • 2
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  2. it is showtime

    “Oh”
    “How could that be”
    “On a dime?”
    “I thought yesterday soared LEGITIMATELY because a BOUNTIFUL future was believed to be ahead”
    “I thought the nasdaq +100 for no substantially apparent reason was indicative of, something”
    “Huh”
    “High stocks mean”
    “no problems right?”

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  3. cheesefries

    If you’re looking in the Raleigh area a trip to Pinehurst/Southern Pines would be advised.

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  4. heckler

    That’s some crazy shit bro

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  5. dae42

    FAS lol

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  6. mx2101

    Raleigh is not the south. The Deep South you speak of is Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi and North Florida.

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  7. moosh

    I’m ready to hear all about great big walls for the state’s of the “united” states. As you say, legal citizens, amongst others from highly taxed/liberal states are hypocritically flocking to where they can escape and carry over failing moronic political ideology, possibly casting multiple votes in places where things are still sometimes run by common sense

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  8. moosh

    Fly, bring back the cinema reviews. Afterlife on nflx is good stuff

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  9. doubleplus

    Goddammit, Fly. You’re one of the incredibly few people on the internet that I enjoy reading for content and syntax. Take that as you will. Keep being a bastard – the unwashed reading public needs one.

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  10. mspm

    I did the same last summer…from PA to Charleston, SC. People are much more polite as a whole and much friendly here then up North. Driving less aggressively has taken some getting used to, but being 10 min to the beach, the weather, and the history here has made this relocation worth it. Welcome south, my Yankee friend.

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  11. the hungry dog

    Come to Texas Fly where you can be a Country Gentleman and a Bad Ass at the same time. You will never want to leave Gods’s Country!

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
  12. the hungry dog

    Come to Texas, Fly where you can be a Country Gentleman and a Bad Ass at the same time. You will never want to leave Gods’s Country!

    • 0
    • 0
    • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"
    • chuck bennett

      He couldn’t wear a white suit for than 15 min before it got dirty in most parts of Texas

      But I still remember the Alamo

      Regards

      Chuck Bennett

      • 0
      • 0
      • 0 Deem this to be "Fake News"