As you know, I just bought a new house and have been renovating it over the past 3 months. I’ve spent inordinate sums of money bring the house up to my standards, never sparing a nickel to improve my rightful claim to luxury.
ENTER THE BLIND HANDYMAN.
I hired a handyman to build an exclusion barrier around my front porch. It was my idea to put mesh behind the lattice of the front porch, in order to keep out critters. His work, although rudimentary, was sufficient. He then reminded me that he did “work on the side.” It just so happened that I wanted to redo 3 bathrooms. So I gave him the small one downstairs, as a project of sorts, a tester to see if he was up to the task.
ENTER THE BLIND HANDYMAN.
As he was tiling the bathroom, I had a staff of carpenters installing wainscoting, coffered ceiling, crown and base moldings, the works. Their level of professionalism could not be matched because their work was flawless. From time to time, they’d peer in on the Blind Handyman to see how he was doing. I ordered travertine for the job, at $9 per sq ft–a quality tile.
ENTER THE BLIND HANDYMAN.
Dust and smoke billowed throughout my house, covering everything upstairs, even my clothes inside the closets. This bozo was cutting tiles inside of my house, while I was away. My carpenters told him to “do it outside”–because it would cause too much of a mess. One of the carpenters commented “it looked like a fire was ripping through the house, with all the smoke coming from the bathroom.”
I took a peek at the bathroom, to review his work. CATASTROPHE!
All the tiles were uneven and poorly spaced. One of the tiles was cracked and he fucked up so many cuts, there were zero tiles left, even though I provided him with 50% more than he needed. I am not surprised, frankly. He’s an older man, with glasses, and an avid cigarette smoker. With all the dust on his glasses from fucking up my tiles, his vision, apparently, had been impaired.
I hired someone who came without a recommendation or body of work. His price was 50% cheaper than proven tile masters. It’s a parable of sorts, a lesson that has reminded me “you get what you pay for.”
Much to my chagrin, the carpenters are having a good laugh at the bathroom, as I write this blog– saying in thick Russian accents “he do a professional job, custom work, very nice.”
42 Responses to The Important Matter of The Blind Handyman
i will fix, have no worry
Sorry for laughing at your misfortune, but that is hilarious
“Borat McTravertine”… that is hilarious
I installed Brazillion Cherry. Very expensive. Hand picked by myself but installed by a Russian crew. This wood is much much harder than Oak. Kept on fucking up their nail guns. Russian installer looked at a piece and said “… this is not wood, this is metal”
LFMAO! That sucks…
One should make a new blog post under “ChartsnShit”, perhaps creating a little art work will ease your pain.
Perhaps it is time to hire ‘the Blind Samurai’ (AWESOME movie & one of my favs) to deal with the ‘blind handyman’…
Up 24% now!
Sold @ 2.26
One must pick off the 52 wk HI list, whether equities or tradesmen.
why you no use ANGI list?!?!?! I’m dead
had one of those myself this summer…my “half price retard” turned out to be a crystal meth tweaker (no Hangover)…Jonesing for more cash everyday…had to shitcan him and hire new…cops called in and everything…pure scumbag shithead..ended up costing 50% more…..lesson learned…dont be a cheap mother fucker!!!!!
Get the Professional Russian. http://www.youtube.com/user/FPSRussia
News on SVU yesterday at 5:55PM:
Supervalu Gets Interest for Assets From Burkle, KKR, Others; Extends Offer Deadline -Bloomberg
5:55 PM ET 10/2/12
What are your thoughts here?
I like it
Your wife must be thrilled also. Do you have a ear left after she chewed it off?
Can’t believe you’re having so much work done while attempting to live in the house.
There are not enough hot pizza slices to throw nor enough orbital space cannon boules (sic) to fire to vent the anger and frustration you have brought upon yourself.
Oh, and the language of renovation is Spanish, as in Mexican, as they work relentlessly (not racist if it’s true). Unless you’re redoing your floors, of course, in which case you might hear Spanish or Vietnamese.
The Russians are all spies for Putin, plotting to bring down your house and our country.
Sad commentary. Not worth the fee.
My wife and I were inspecting our new house before the drywall went up and discovered there is still some pride amongst the trades. In the kitchen one of the carpenters had written with Magic Marker right above a misplaced outlet “Electrician fuck-up here” with an arrow.
wtf? you didn’t use ANGI?
I used angi for everything but him
This could be an ANGI commercial. I bypassed Angies list once too and regretted it.
Btw – in my experience – stay away from the lowest bidder unless they have impeccable references. The lowest bidder either cut corners, or make up for it with 20 “change orders”
LOL had the same shit with my trim guy, who actually came recommended.
Cut all the trim in the house, while I had a painter in there. Painter had to kick his ass outside to the driveway.
Then another “discount tile guy” came buy to install backsplash. Needless to say, as quick as it went up, it came down. If I recall correctly the backsplash was in the 12/sq ft territory as Mrs. Jimmy really liked. Never did pay that tile guy.
Wednesday, October 3, 9:45 AM Stratasys (SSYS +5.8%) surges after Craig-Hallum upgrades shares to Buy and lifts its target to $70 from $50. Rival 3D printer maker 3D Systems (DDD +2.2%) is also up.
This prick must be David the “Tile Artiste” who also did the same kind of job at Chateau le Muk. Just before Mrs. Muk carted his tools to the sidewalk prior to throwing said “Tile Artiste” out of Chateau le Muk; she summoned me from my office to inspect some of David’s artwork. I was aghast (the work appeared very much as pictured above). Upon regaining my powers of speech, I summoned an egregious insult, resulting in huge offense being taken by David — I told him “this looks like I did it”. He departed, without offering to refund the 50% deposit he extracted from Mrs. Muk. Enter Muk’s vicious lawyer, now a legal work in progress ………….
the market is about to rampage to the upside
I am tanking on these bitches.
lol, the blind handy man exists in every city and township
DECK-Not looking so UGGly!
Up 5 out of the last 6 days!
Up over 3% today!
Schluter®-KERDI-SHOWER-KIT.. I used this stuff, after I ripped out a brand new bath, from a brand new home. This is better then code. No more water worries.
From the pic, if that’s as bad as it gets, it’s not bad at all. Grout will make it look very nice, no doubt. I’m never happy with my tile jobs until I grout them…. good luck.
Oh, and btw Long XIV
You really can’t see how bad it is through that pic. I will post final job pic tomorrow.
Great writing. Fly stories are always my favorite.
Sorry about this assholery. My comment is: this post is hilarious.
I’m at a friend’s on the coast of Costa Rica and it’s basically all purpleheart, look into it.
Fly this is a good site for renovation inspirations, lots of searchable photos for Mrs Fly’s million dollar eyes.
Any post that is entitled with “The Important Matter of…” are always my favorites.
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