If Presidential Candidates Were Stocks

With the Iowa Caucus recently complete and the looming New Hampshire primary, I began to ponder how each presidential candidate would be represented in the current stock market. This isn’t the most exact science below, and full disclosure, I’m apathetic when it comes to politics.  I vote on issues; not on candidates.

Additionally, it’s laughable and frightening that one of the individuals listed below will become the most powerful person in the world in nine months.  This is the best we have to offer as the United States?

However I digress. If you have any recommendations or observations, or don’t agree with my choices, list in them comments section below.  Remember, this is America.  We have democracy and open dialogue (cough cough North Korea…).

Republicans

Ted Cruz (27.6%) 8 Delegates- Restaurant Brands International, the owner of Tim Hortons, because he’s Canadian.

Donald J. Trump (24.3%) 7 Delegates- Oh the ways I could go with this…He undoubtedly possesses a quality that is found in all stocks: volatility. That being said, with Chyna (extra You’re Fired), once thought to be a beacon of hope but now a death spiral– this man is Alibaba.

Marco Rubio (23.1%) 7 Delegates- He’s billed as having all the qualities and potential a candidate could want, but is unable to separate himself from the soberingly talentless pack. Like Gilead, a company with such strong revenue and earnings growth as well as a robust pipeline, Rubio seems to trip over his own feet like just like Gilead and their stubborn buybacks and refusal to make an acquisition.

Dr. Ben Carson (9.3%) 3 Delegates- This sleepy, dull, lackluster medicine man exemplifies Eli Lilly quite well.

Rand Paul (4.5%) 1 Delegate- As a Kentucky senator, it only feels right to associate himself with Suntory Holdings, the Japanese manufacturer and owner of Jim Beam. I’m sure that one makes some of you depressed, learning that a supposed “American treasure“ (not my words, believe me ) is owned by a former World War II enemy.S

Jeb Bush (2.8%) 1 Delegate- Despite the household familiar political bloodline, this was a tough one, mostly due to the fact how boring W.’s younger brother is. Jeb must be a real knucklehead if his brother won two presidential terms. That being said, he is formally dubbed Yelp.

Carly Fiorina (1.9%) 0 Delegates- I’m taking the easy way out on this one, Hewlett Packard.

Chris Christie (1.8%) 0 Delegates- His uprising and subsequent downfall is just like Twitter’s; he was all the rage but peaked too soon, now he can’t catch a bid.

Democrats

Hillary Clinton (49.9%) 22 Delegates- I was going to go with Tyson Chicken due to her notorious connection and windfall of profits trading cattle futures with James Blair and Red Bone in the late 1970’s, but I’m going with Wal-Mart here. She’s not going to win a popularity contest, but you can’t deny her history of success and achievements. However, they (and her) better be careful because they’ve got tough competition.           Also, they’re both from Arkansas.

Bernie Sanders (49.6%) 21 Delegates- I’m going with Microsoft here. A once old, crotchety, cantankerous man has come out of nowhere to find surprising success.

Martin or Mike O’Malley [couldn’t remember his first name…] (0.6%) 0 Delegates- Insert any highly levered, debt up to the chin small capped oil company.

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